The Science of Siblings is a new series exploring how our brothers and sisters can influence us, from our money and our mental health to our very molecules. Well-being share these stories over the next few weeks.
Many of us have up-and-down relationships with our siblings. And these relationships can be more intense during adolescence.
I remember when I was a teenager all the ways my older sister would remind me that she was in charge, like when she got her driver’s license and insisted that I sit in the back seat when we were picking up her friend, Pam, who was going to sit in the front. It was really very boring.
But once we left home in our 20s, our relationship evolved. We began to see each other as equals and friends. She still likes to take charge, although I admire her for that now because she’s good at it. And somewhere along the way, she became my biggest cheerleader, supporting me in my career and parenting. Our shared values and experiences brought us closer together in middle age.
Turns out this bodes well for my emotional health and that of my sisters. Researchers have found that a warm, close bond with a sibling early in adulthood is predictive of greater resilience later in life, with less loneliness, anxiety and depression.
“I think it speaks to the importance of the sibling bond,” says Megan Gilligan, associate professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Missouri.
Gilligan and his colleagues analyzed data from a survey of hundreds of participants in the Family transition project, a decades-long study of family relationships. They found that people who reported higher levels of warmth and connection with their sibling at age 23 had lower levels of anxiety and depressive symptoms at age 41. “And we also saw the opposite,” says Gilligan.
People who felt conflict in a sibling relationship at age 23 were more likely to report anxiety and other negative emotions in midlife. The results are published in The Journal of Family Psychology.
There is usually a turning point in sibling relationships, usually around age 23. “Relationships change,” says Gilligan. And while we never forget those early dynamics, relationships tend to become more stable.
Given all the important relationships people have throughout their lives, with partners, children, friends, and co-workers, the importance of sibling relationships can sometimes be hidden in plain sight. It’s easy to take siblings for granted, but Gilligan says the “clear pattern” that has emerged from his research demonstrates how early sibling relationships can influence emotional well-being into middle age and beyond. of the. “It validates the importance of these connections,” she says.
Another study that examined sibling relationships later in life found that the importance of these relationships persists into retirement age. When researchers studied a sample of 608 people with an average age of 65, they found that people who reported warm relationships with their siblings were less lonely and more emotionally healthy.
And again, the opposite was true. Conflict between siblings was linked to feelings of depression, anxiety, hostility and loneliness. “Siblings serve as a source of social support, thereby reducing these mental health (struggles),” says Gilligan.
And some bonds are tighter than others. Researchers found that sisters had warmer relationships than those between brothers or siblings.
Even if you’re not the best of friends, sibling relationships can be strengthened. The key is to talk things out. Here are three tips to help you.
Express your feelings out in the open.
It’s easy to fall back into old dynamics or be triggered by childhood events. And if the parents had favorites, that could make the relationship more difficult.
Most siblings experience ups and downs in their relationships. “It’s not a good strategy to let it go,” Gilligan says. Instead, it is better to acknowledge past history and family dynamics and try to overcome them. Just like in your relationships with friends or a spouse, our sibling relationships require support and commitment.
Give your brothers and sisters some grace.
We tend to be more reactive with our siblings. Disagreement can take us back to the typical difficult relationships of childhood. But as adults, it’s important to step back and see a situation from your sibling’s perspective, even if it takes time and patience. “Everything looks different from different perspectives,” says Ellen Langer, a psychology professor at Harvard who studies mindfulness. Arguments are common in close relationships, says Langer, so it helps to be curious about your sibling’s perspective rather than judging him. Understanding their perspective can help you understand their choices and actions.
Establish clear lines of communication
Caring for aging parents can be a significant source of conflict for adult siblings. If you’re not used to relying on each other, parents’ growing needs may require time and commitment. “The division of care is one of the biggest sources of conflict,” Gilligan says. As a result, you may need to be in constant contact. “And the reality for most families is that equality will never be achieved,” she says. One way to reduce conflict is to schedule a daily text or weekly FaceTIme call to come up with a plan and get on the same page. Being proactive in anticipating needs can make planning easier and reduce stress.
More of Sibling Science series:
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