Dear Eric: Over the years, I noticed that one of the sisters of my spouse generally seemed too sensitive, with sudden emotional explosions and a tendency to play the victim.
The surviving parent of my spouse has died and the field was also to be divided between all the brothers and sisters.
Sister loaded her car with many precious articles after the funeral. This annoyed the other brothers and sisters, because these articles should have been part of the accounting of the domains to be divided, but they did not face it.
The spouse and the other brothers and sisters decided to let her make her way, which inherited a very, very important heritage, much more than any of the brothers and sisters.
It has become clear that the spouses and the brothers and sisters are afraid of her, and I said to the wife.
What is done, but how am I supposed to act around the sister in the future?
The spouse does not want me to discuss this with her. I am not a good actor. I don’t want her to stay at home if she visits, but the spouse does.
I am disappointed with the shy behavior of spouses and siblings, and I am angry with his selfishness and his total contempt for equity. I don’t know how to move forward.
– inappropriate heritage
Dear inheritance: Sometimes we just have to let the toxic families of others be toxic.
There is an unhealthy dynamic between your spouse, the brothers and sisters of your spouse and their sister. This has probably been the case with their whole life. Trying to reorganize these relationships will simply cause you marital conflicts.
The relationship you can and should concentrate is that between you and your spouse.
You said what you had to say about what happened with the inheritance. Your spouse has also expressed an opinion on how to move forward. I encourage you to follow the example of your spouse.
You do not have to navigate to the future requests of the sister or even to be friendly. You could choose to be out of the city when the sister visits. But I implore you to make peace with your disappointment to your spouse. The sister has already poisoned so many wells with her own behavior; Do not let her also poison your wedding.
Here is an internal script: I hope that my spouse has been treated fairly. I cannot control the different life factors that brought my spouse and the brothers and sisters to act as they did. There are so many others that I appreciate about my spouse, and I will choose to focus on this, because in doing so, I also support my spouse for a difficult and draining period.
Dear Eric: I am the oldest of five brothers and sisters, all now in our 1970s and all professionals. We grew up in blue collar and “poor miners”.
The problem arises with jealousy and hatred that others are home to me. They spent their lives acquiring expensive trinkets and foreign cars and generally living well beyond their means, while I planned, saved and invests well.
I retired comfortably eight years ago and now, with my wife, I travel a lot and I enjoy life.
My brothers and sisters want it with damping and the painful reality that they can never afford to retire. For any reason, they blame me, as if life was a zero -sum game, while all I did is put money in their pockets and never ask for anything in return.
It is late in the day, and I would like to put things right. We stopped talking 10 years ago. What do you suggest?
– Elder son frustrated
Dear son: I am curious to know what you mean by “right adjustment”. If what you want is that your brothers and sisters achieve the error of their reflection and stop telling you about it, you will probably remain frustrated.
It seems that you wanted them for their resentment, which is completely understandable. But do you also judge them for the way they chose to live? Is this animus a double-meaning street?
You haven’t talked for a decade, but you write that they are feeling your happy retired life of the past eight years. How does this information happen to you and what do you do with it when it does it?
A way of going forward is to wipe the slate (or as clean as possible with the brothers and sisters; this slate will always be suffocated with fingerprints).
Contact them and acknowledge that you have had your differences in the past, you wish them good luck and that you do not want to spend the rest of your separate days. Ask them if they are ready to try again. It means accepting that sometimes you just don’t see your eyes, but no one needs to convince someone else about anything.
If they can listen to you without judgment and you can do the same, you have something to build on.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @ouric and register for his weekly newsletter in Rercthomas.com.
California Daily Newspapers
