In my 45 years as a divorce attorney, I’ve seen couples break up for every possible reason, from men running off with younger versions of their wives to women falling apart. run away with their husband’s handsomer brother.
Even though I am involved in approximately 100,000 divorces, I still regularly see patterns emerge.
The latest is a growing number of older couples, known as “Silver Splitters,” who are separating after downsizing their homes.
A trend is emerging of older couples, known as “Silver Splitters,” divorcing after downsizing their homes.
Usually everything goes well at first. The couple is eager to begin the next chapter of their lives, perhaps because the children have finally left the nest, one or both have stopped working, and they are excited to enjoy the retirement for which they worked so hard. Then things come unstuck – and it’s often the downsizing itself that’s the cause.
Take for example my clients Tom and Helen*, who decided to downsize last year. As they moved from a three-bedroom house to a two-bedroom apartment, it was clear that many possessions had to be taken.
Tom insisted that Helen’s family “trash” be disposed of without looking back. Unfortunately, Helen doesn’t have the same opinion. His mother’s planter, large Chinese pots and a sideboard (carved by his great-grandfather) should not disappear. Instead, Helen kindly suggested that Tom’s collection of 78 rpm records, including those by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, could be used first. Tom got completely angry. The arguments lasted for weeks, with neither side willing to compromise. Tom and Helen never downsized together, but after a difficult divorce, they did so separately.
Helen kept all of her mother’s treasures and Tom kept her record collection. However, the affair had a happy ending as months later, Tom and Helen met by chance. They are dating again but Helen tells me they have agreed to never move in together.
Another hot spot is the family pet and what will happen when he decides to move from a large property with a garden to an apartment.
Generally, one party tends to be much more attached to the animal than the other – and would rather compromise on downsizing plans than give them up – while the other doesn’t want their preferences go after an animal.
Tensions can quickly rise. Where would Rover sleep? Who would take him for a walk? And above all, are you allowed to keep a pet in the premises you plan to move into? As one client told me, “A pet should be for life, not until you downsize it.” »
Downsizing couples may also find that their relationship is only held together by their large family home, allowing them to live largely separate lives but under the same roof. Closer, reality emerges.
Take my client Sally, whose husband Sebastian told her they should move to a much smaller house and that Sally would love it. She does not have. In fact, she hated everything about apartment living: the noise, the lack of peace, the absence of friendly neighbors.
She felt claustrophobic and every room she entered meant running into Sebastian. When they lived in the family home, they watched the television programs of their choice in separate rooms. Now they have to look at the same things. He hated reality TV, she loved it. She hated sports, he loved it. She said she hadn’t thought that downsizing would feel exactly the same as being in lockdown during Covid and that she just wanted to scream daily.
When Sally came to me, she thought divorce was the only option. Fortunately, it turned out that their marriage was salvageable – thanks in large part to counseling and installing a second TV in the guest bedroom. Marriages can also come under enormous pressure from downsizing, not only from the couple themselves, but also from the wider family.
Families are often used to crowding into Mom and Dad’s house at Christmas, during family celebrations or even simply for childcare. This is not always well regarded when it is no longer possible when elderly couples swap their house for an apartment.
Many couples have described to me arguments that they never anticipated, such as no longer being able to care for their grandchildren overnight or having family over for Christmas.
My client Val and her husband Peter made what they considered to be the wise choice for their future living arrangements. They had a large garden that they could no longer manage themselves and it was clear that the family home had to go. But they didn’t think that their children would feel so left out of their decision that they wouldn’t talk to them anymore.
Val felt that in hindsight, Peter had pressured her to move out of their comfortable family home and into a two-bedroom penthouse and that she hadn’t had time to think it through fully. She was so upset by the turn of events that she sought legal advice and filed for divorce.
Divorce lawyer Vanessa says she has been involved in around 100,000 divorces in her 45-year career.
One factor that has remained consistent throughout my career is that if a marriage is on the brink, it only takes one big problem to end it for good.
There may therefore be the bereavement of a parent or loved one, a loss or change of job, a move, an affair, another child that one of the parties did not want, financial worries or a moving.
Often, downsizing simply reveals problems that were there all along, but had not yet surfaced.
Downsizing can, of course, give couples a new lease of life, but it comes with its own stress that can break up already difficult relationships.
My client Cynthia decided that with the kids out of the nest and cleaning their huge Hampstead home too expensive (and she couldn’t find a reliable cleaner), it was clearly time for her and her husband Charles to move to a place much smaller than this. I only needed a cleaner twice a week. “What we need is a three-bedroom apartment with a view,” she told her husband.
Well, Cynthia got her wish for such a property, but not quite the way she had hoped. She could not have imagined that her faithful Charles, aged around sixty, would run away with the real estate agent.
Although Cynthia’s case was extreme, she moved into the type of property she wanted and got so much more in the overall financial settlement.
And as she told me later: “Without having to deal with all of Charles’s particularities.”
It is imperative that, well before you make the decision to upend your entire life as you know it, you carefully consider all of the above. If you don’t want to end up like Cynthia and Charles, Val and Peter, Tom and Helen, or Sally and Sebastian, you really need to discuss your decision.
Is it better to reduce the size of your portfolio or be carefully advised before doing so regarding releasing equity? What will be the impact of your move? Will you regret it for a multitude of reasons or will you enjoy freeing yourself from the heavy responsibilities that come with a larger home.
And above all, will you want to face your reduced future together?
❋All names have been changed to protect customer privacy.
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