Who should pay for the first date? Experts weigh in

When it comes to dating etiquette, one question seems to inspire more anxiety than others: Who pays for the first date?

Dating experts believe there is a clear answer for heterosexual couples.

“The man should pay for the first date,” said Blaine Anderson, dating coach for men. Online dating coach Erika Ettin agrees.

“I recommend my male clients to pay and my female clients to gift,” said Ettin, founder of A Little Nudge. Men should politely decline this offer, unless the woman insists, in which case the man should accept it, Ettin added.

The label “shouldn’t be so complicated,” she said.

Public opinion is more or less in line with what dating experts say. Most Americans, 72 percent, say a man should pay for the first date, according to a recent NerdWallet survey. About 68% of adults worry about their finances when arranging a date, and 69% report feeling uncomfortable going on dates because of the cost it will entail, according to a recent Self survey Financial.

Regardless of who pays, the average person pays $77 for a first date, according to a LendingTree survey. It adds up. The average man paid $861 for dates in 2019, while the average woman spent $500, LendingTree found.

“Plan something that’s within your budget,” said Anderson, founder of Dating By Blaine.

“If you’re concerned about cost, you’ve scheduled an appointment that’s too expensive,” Anderson added. Feeling the need to go to a fancy dinner to impress your date means “you’re approaching the date wrong,” she said.

Historically, men were expected to foot the bill because of the traditional role of men as breadwinners and women as caregivers for children, said Carli Blau, a couples and dating therapist.

Even though society has changed tremendously, men probably still feel an unconscious need to pay as a sign of financial security, said Blau, founder of Boutique Psychotherapy.

In fact, men are more likely than women to think they should pay for a first date, 78% versus 68%, according to the NerdWallet poll.

Proponents of men footing the bill sometimes cite persistent financial factors, such as the persistent gender wage gap, as their primary justification.

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But dating experts often use a different logic: The person asking for a date usually has to deal — and that’s usually the man in American society, Ettin said.

The same math applies to same-sex couples: Whoever asks has to take out their wallet, she said.

“I think the question is not ‘the guy should pay for this’, but rather who is courting who?” » said Blau.

In heterosexual couples, 53% of men say they have asked for the first date compared to 15% of women, according to a survey by the Institute for Family Studies.

Whoever pursues a romantic interest and chooses where to take their date is expected to pay, Blau added.

That means a woman must be willing to pay if she asks a man out, Ettin said. However, she advises men to always be prepared to foot the bill.

There is also a romantic strategy here. Covering the bill gives the man “the best possible chance on the second date, if he likes her,” Anderson said.

Yes, it’s a traditional expectation, but it’s also a nice gesture, she added. This advice is not contrary to the notion of equality and feminism, Ettin said. “We still want it,” she said. “But it feels good to be treated sometimes.”

“I believe that equality, feminism and chivalry can all exist at the same time,” Ettin said.

Plus, splitting the bill seems “extremely cheesy and close to the friend zone,” Ettin said.

Women interested in a second date can instead suggest treating themselves next time, she said.

Women who offer to pay shouldn’t be angry if men accept, experts say.

“Don’t go calling a friend or me as your therapist and complaining after they take care of you,” Blau said.

“In this place of equality and where women want to be treated equally – as we should be – if we pay, it could also be seen as disrespectful if the man says, ‘No, I ‘take care of it.’ It then becomes a power dynamic,” she added.

Some women may feel the need to split the check if they know they don’t want a second date. However, experts differ somewhat on this label.

“I don’t think it’s a requirement,” but it’s polite to offer to pay in such cases, Anderson said.

Ettin doesn’t think payment should be tied to whether a date goes well, however.

“All you owe them is a thank you,” she said. “That’s it, a real thank you.”