“What do we have here? »: how asking yourself a simple question can transform the way you think about your life | Life and style

OhThe problem with trying to improve your life is that, too often, the improvements you attempt have little to do with your life. This is especially evident when, for example, you seek to emulate the extreme fitness routine of a top influencer, ignoring the fact that he or she has a team of assistants to free up all the time necessary. But following the advice of an average self-help book probably won’t work much better: no matter how wise or sincere its author, it’s extremely unlikely that he or she has ever met you. Even when a plan for change seems to arise independently, from within your own mind, it usually takes the form of a fantasy about the person you think you should be, or would like to be, in which you are trying then to bring this person in. indeed it does – at least for a few days, until the struggle becomes so frustrating that you give up in despair.

This is where the questions in this series take on their full meaning. They are requested by people with expertise in relationships, career, health, home organization and much more. But only the person with by far the most detailed understanding of what might actually make a difference in your life, that is, you, can answer it.

The idea that questions might be more powerful tools for self-transformation than commercially available advice implies a specific view of human psychology: most of the time, somewhere deep within us, we already know what we want or need. Perhaps that’s why books and articles that simply talk about the ingredients of a happy life – close relationships, time spent in nature, lots of exercise, etc. – tend to fail. – so often seem to fall flat. No one really needs to say that these things matter. The problem is how to address the unique set of blocks, character traits, and personal circumstances that always seem to prevent you from putting them into practice. And the problem is that the answers usually lie outside of consciousness: the conscious part of the mind, as Jungian therapist and writer James Hollis says, “is at best a thin wafer floating on an iridescent sea.” But the right question can bring this wisdom to the surface. Your answers to the following questions may surprise you; perhaps you will conclude that you don’t do it need to reduce the clutter at home or your marriage is healthier than you imagined. The fact that it is even possible to surprise yourself in this way proves it: there is a certain wisdom that you know, but that you don’t necessarily know that you know.

Sometimes a good question works by conjuring up a parallel universe, allowing you to temporarily change the rules by which you engage in reality. This is the value of classic self-help questions like: “What would you do if money were no object?” » or: “What would you do if you were not afraid?” The important thing is not that money will never be an object, nor that you will succeed in abolishing all fear. It’s that by putting aside those buzzing anxieties for a moment, you can hear other parts of yourself. If you find out that if it weren’t for financial worries you would write songs all day, that’s crucial data – not because you should give up your day job (that might be the case, although it’s probably not not) but because if you can If you dedicate even 20 minutes a day to songwriting, you will be amazed at how much more rewarding life becomes.

A related question helps us bypass the misleading or superficial factors we tend to focus on when deciding how to spend our time. Faced with an important life choice, I have long relied on a question recommended by Hollis: Is the path I am on, or the path I propose to take, a path that enlarges or diminishes me? It is often impossible to tell which of the two options is “better” or “good,” or even which is more likely to lead to happiness. But it is often surprisingly easy to know, intuitively, what the path to “broadening” or psychological growth is. For different people, or at different stages of life, the same external action – moving to another city, for example, or starting to look for a new job – could be an act of (expanding) courage or an act of avoidance (which decreases). Hollis’ question can help you determine what is true for you.

Ultimately, the point of any good question like this is to draw your attention away from escapist fantasies and back toward the reality in front of you – which is the only place, after all, where a real change could actually happen. I love Zen Buddhist and leader Edward Espé Brown’s favorite question to spark deeper engagement with the world: “What do we have here?” It embodies the attitude of the person who opens the kitchen cupboard at 6 p.m. on a weekday, to see what they could make for dinner. But it’s an attitude worth adopting in almost all of life. Let’s say you want to exercise more in 2025. Alright: what do we have here? A daily school run; a busy work schedule; perhaps a long-standing and seemingly insoluble difficulty with getting up early. So maybe four 90-minute trips to the gym isn’t a good place to start. How about a brisk walk, daily? It’s tempting to view this as an easy option, but it’s not. Spending your time dreaming about the perfect workout routine is the easiest option. Facing the reality you find yourself in and asking yourself what you could start doing today is a bold and empowering solution.

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Something similar is true when it comes to the desire many of us feel to do more in the face of the multiple crises ravaging the world. Catastrophic scrolling through global climate data or international conflict news could feel like doing something, superficially, but we all know that doesn’t count. Instead, look at your reality, which extends far beyond your phone. What do we have here? A local group that could potentially use your volunteering; an amount of money you could afford to give; a flair for graphic design, event planning or anything that could be the start of something real.

In other words, the right question answers you where you are – which includes not only your external environment but also your internal moods and emotions. Conventional approaches to personal change often involve trying to suppress how you feel, in order to stick to a plan at all costs. But how is it going for you so far? In her essay Learning to Work, linguist and feminist scholar Virginia Valian describes her inability to move forward with her doctoral dissertation, due to crippling anxiety, until she began to wonder how much time she would actually spend . willing to give it every day. Three hours? “The mere thought gave me an anxiety attack.” Two hours? A? It’s still impossible. Going lower and lower, she finally reached her desired point: 15 minutes. “A beautiful period of time, a period that I knew I could experience every day.” People made fun of the little, but all that mattered was that it worked, and that later she could gradually increase it: she was operational again. Frankly, even just one minute of actual work a day, let alone 15, would have counted for more than all the hypothetical hours she might have told herself she should work.

And the questions should never stop. In a famous 1903 letter, the Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke exhorted one of his protégés to “be patient with whatever is unresolved in your heart and try to resolve it.” I love the questions themselves. like locked rooms and like books written in a very foreign language… The goal is to experience everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, little by little, without realizing it, you will live a distant day until the answer. His words convey the feeling that asking questions is a way of living, complete in itself – and not just a preliminary step before finally understanding life. History doesn’t record any cases where anyone finally figured out life, so it’s probably best not to stake your happiness on achieving that goal yourself. All you need is the next question, then the next, and the next…

Meditations for Mortals: Four Weeks to Accept Your Limitations and Make Time for What Matters by Oliver Burkeman is published by Bodley’s Head. To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy from guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.