Wedding invitation received too late to attend

Dear Eric: My nephew, who spent summers with me for years growing up, recently got married. While I was thrilled to receive a Save the Date card, I didn’t receive an actual wedding invitation until three weeks before the wedding. His mother and I are separated due to completely unrelated circumstances. I assumed the invitation had been canceled. With such short notice, we were unable to attend the wedding since we live out of state. I explained all of this to his bride-to-be when she texted me to ask if we would be attending. I was hurt and disappointed and felt like it was more about getting a cash gift than missing me at the wedding. It wasn’t about missing me, just “are you coming or not?” Should I still send a gift?

– Ghost Guest

Dear Guest: Don’t sign that check just yet. Three weeks is a really short time for a wedding invitation, even if the date has been saved. But it’s unclear whether this is an intentional slight or whether the bride and groom dropped the ball. It’s rare for people who receive a Save the Date to be dropped from the list; more often, people who didn’t make the initial round of invitations can be recalled from minor lists when spots open up. Let’s assume the best, which in this case is disorganization.

I’m curious if you think it was just for a gift. While that’s possible, unless the bride really pushed for it in your text conversation, I’m inclined to think she was trying to fill in the blanks on her seating chart. This race to confirm what’s not confirmed and get final numbers for caterers can be the most stressful part of planning a wedding. Now, if she followed up your text exchange with a link to their registry site, that’s a whole different story.

Although you communicated with the bride about this, the long-standing relationship is with your nephew. So start there. Reach out to him to clarify things without mentioning gifts. Tell him how thrilled you were to be included and how sorry you were that things didn’t work out. Give him the opportunity to set the record straight, if he wants. A rekindled relationship is not on the list, but I think it’s still possible.

If all goes well, you still have time to send a gift. Traditionally, this deadline is one year after the wedding, but trends are changing. The Knot recommends three months.

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