dear Amy: I am a divorced mother in my early 30s, with primary custody of my 8 year old child.
I’ve been dating “Ben” for two years. He’s a great guy and gets along really well with my son.
We talked about getting married. He’s never been married before (no kids) and I’m gun shy to say the least.
I own my home, my son is happy, and I’m trying to be extremely cautious about our future.
Last week, Ben took me out for a drink. He said he had something important to tell me. He admitted to having a debt of almost $20,000. He said he is working to clear his debt, but is not making much progress.
I have a stable and successful career. I am extremely financially responsible and have already started saving for my son’s college education.
Ben seems underemployed. He is a relaxed and fun person. He said the debt came from the purchase of a car and, more recently, a ski holiday he took with friends.
I feel extremely uncomfortable now. I wonder if Ben expects me to wipe out his debt using some of the equity in my house. He hasn’t asked me anything specific and I’m not sure how to feel or how to react to this.
Your wisdom?
– The manager
Dear Manager: Are you ready to be a parent to Ben, as well as your son? Because his choice to impose this on you without a specific action plan seems like an attempt to get you to take care of it.
People who have a lot of consumer debt and continue to spend will sometimes try to make their problem go away by simply passing it on to someone else.
I suggest you take this conversation to the next level. Demand full transparency and documentation. I think it’s quite likely that more debt will appear once he opens his accounts.
Don’t get married, mix up your finances, or bail him out. He must demonstrate a concerted commitment to repay this debt himself. He is a single adult man with no one to support. He could solve this problem in less than two years, but it would require big changes.
dear Amy: My husband and I have a 4-year-old son and I am pregnant with our second child, due in two months.
Recently our son left his room and crawled into bed with us. He’s done it periodically over the past year, but now it’s almost every night.
I took him back to his room, but I’m physically quite uncomfortable getting in and out of bed.
I wonder what you think we should do.
– Losing sleep
Dear Losing Sleep: Leaving your own bed and climbing in with a parent is a fairly common occurrence among children of this age. Sometimes they don’t even seem fully awake when their guidance device leads them to a parent’s bed.
Your son is also experiencing your pregnancy like a child – with a combination of anxiety and excitement. You can expect him to regress a bit before and after his brother is born.
The most obvious answer is for your husband to take on this nightly task in order to provide some closeness and comfort to your son while he puts him back to bed.
Otherwise you can do what many parents have done and make a “nest” for him in your room, with a sleeping bag and a pillow.
Continue to put him in his own bed, and if he wanders there at night, tell him that Mommy and Daddy need to sleep and that he can either go back to his room or curl up in his nest until in the morning.
Also take advantage of these last weeks of your pregnancy to snuggle closer to your son. Don’t go too far and say, “You’re a big boy now,” but accommodate his needs, answer his questions about your pregnancy, understand that he may be anxious, and offer him lots of comfort and support. love.
dear Amy: “Distant Grandpa” tries to build a relationship with his granddaughter, who lives on the other side of the country.
I didn’t like that you described him as “a nice old man she doesn’t know very well.” It’s his grandfather!
– Grandmother upset
Dear Upset: “Grandfather” is a role this man must grow into. So far, he’s not doing a very good job.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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