Trauma survivor worries about deep dive – The Denver Post

Dear Amy: I am a successful woman in my early thirties.

I am currently happy in my life. I have a good job, I have both accomplishments in the past and aspirations for the future, I have a loving husband, I take care of myself and I feel cared for in my everyday life .

But I also have demons from the past trying to slip into the scene.

I was sexually abused as a young child, had very difficult relationships when I was a young adult, and more recently I had a very violent relationship during my years. graduate studies five years ago.

I have moved away from these events and am proud of who I am today. But at the same time, I experience this incredible cognitive dissonance between these images of myself as a proud, confident, successful woman at the top of her game and this helpless, depressed and insecure woman at the core. I feel disgusted by the second sight of myself. Shameful. Angry!

I see a therapist every week. But most of the time, I’m so ashamed to bring up these things, even though he’s well aware of it, that I focus more on my forward momentum, rather than my ugly past.

I fear that bringing up my past will rekindle those traumas and find myself in this scared place.

Where would I start? Is it better to focus on the positive in front of you, or dive in and dive into the ugliness behind you?

– Fear of shaking the boat

Dear fear: That’s a great question, and you could start by asking your therapist a “process” question: “Do you think it’s best for me to keep focusing on my forward movement, or should- do I dive into my past trauma? It scares me to do that.

You are hard on yourself as survivors often are. It goes with the territory.

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