Get together, we’re talking about “Tortured Poets.”
T Swift’s eleventh studio album (and surprise double album) was delivered to us last week and while the reviews have been extremely mixed, the fanfare is unrivaled.
The Post’s Chuck Arnold writes, “There’s a lot of ‘bad blood’ spilled over Swift’s latest post.” And with the raw honesty and specificity of her lyrics, she’s clearly in her ‘IDGAF’ era.
Her “TTPD” era sees Swift taking aim at her exes and enemies Kim Kardashian, Matt Healy and British sad boy, ladies and gentlemen, Joe Alwyn.
Page Six’s Nicholas Hautman writes, “Sometimes Swift, 34, roasts Alwyn, 33, mercilessly.” She says he failed to “measure up” to “any measure of a man” in the epic film “The Littlest Man Ever”… while the epic “My Boy only breaks his favorite toys” sees him childishly destroying the sandcastle. of which she is the queen.
Elsewhere on the album, the Queen of Crushed Castles represents Charlie Puth and the guns for John Mayer while sparing Jake Gyllenhall (can’t you hear her exhale to end all exhales?)
In honor of Miss Americana’s latest installment, we’re taking a look at the astrology of torture. Fun fact; the album itself is an Aries, born into the world just after midnight on April 19, 2K24 in the midst of powerful Mercury retrograde in the same cardinal fire sign when the exhumation and in this case immolation of the exes is at its peak.
Read on to see which song “TTPD” sings to the mind of your zodiac sign.
guilty as sin
“Thank you my love”
There’s nothing subtle about Aries or about this track that INCLUDES ITS TARGET’S NAME IN THE TITLE. We see you here with the Tay Tay in capital letters. As the firstborn, first blood, Aries energy goes for the jugular, and “thank you love” lays blame, curses, screams to the heavens, and ruthlessly brings kids and moms into the fray.
Take off the gloves and nothing is found.
“Clara Bow” and/or “Guilty as Sin”
Ruled by Venus, the planet of love and aesthetics, Taurus rules the second house of wealth and value. Swift pays homage to the sign’s titled toddler energy with the lyrics: “Beauty is a beast that roars on all fours / Demanding more.”
Tauruses have a reputation for being unapologetically loyal, but they’re also a horny, horny contingent prone to imagining infidelity even if they’re too lazy to engage in follow-through, a vibe distilled in “Guilty As Sin “. The song also makes mention of a hedge maze, the OG pasture/prison of the mythical minotaur adjacent to Taurus.
“Imgonnagetyouback”
Gemini energy is, in essence, a recurring phrase and this list of titles is curiously free of spaces and proper grammar. The chorus of the song: “Whether I’m your wife or / I’m going to break your bike, I haven’t decided yet / But I’m going to get you back / Whether I’m going to curse you or / Take you back to my place, I haven’t not decided yet / But I’ll get you back,” evokes Gemini’s propensity to waver between options and swing wildly between affection and aversion in a romantic dynamic.
“Fifteen days”
Featuring an appearance by Cancer King Post Malone and a nostalgic black-and-white video that includes a rainstorm, a telephone booth, matching tattoos, unnecessarily thin eyebrows, period clothing and twin typewriters releasing pastel vapors that mate above a strange office landscape, this shit could only belong to the crab contingent.
“I can do it with a broken heart”
The Leo archetype finds its roar in “I can do it with a broken heart.” As a stage sign, Leos maintain a “the show must go on” approach to life, even and perhaps especially when they are emotionally drained.
There’s a deep part in each of them that romanticizes heartbreak by making their cheekbones stand out and making it easier for them to cry on command.
Swift sings: “Lights, camera, bitch, smile / even when you want to die… All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd chanted ‘No more!’ »
There’s nothing like a round of applause to remind you that the love of the masses can be a sweet substitute for the love of someone who matters.
“I can fix it (not really, I can)”
Virgo is the romantic underachiever of the zodiac. Born to love a loser/fixer, they lock them into relationships under the auspices of recognizing raw potential. This mutable earth finds common ground in Swift’s lyrics: “They shake their heads, ‘God help him,’ when I tell them he’s my man/But your good Lord don’t need to lift a finger/I can fix it, no, really, I can.
The only difference between a challenge and a lost cause is that Virgo is pushing the agenda, friends.
“The manuscript”
Libra lays claim to “The Manuscript” based solely on the suggestion that the song was inspired by the sleepy-eyed, tousle-haired Libra boy extraordinaire, John Mayer. Complete with a terrible one-liner and references to French press coffee and slow dancing, this one is a true Venusian dump.
“How it ended”
Scorpio is ruled by Pluto, planet of death and other endings. As such, natives tend to be dramatic and maudlin; gothic font, sad piano ballads, black lace and dried flowers.
Enter “How It Ended,” an indulgent eulogy for lost love, “Say it again with feeling / How the death rattle breathed / Silence as the soul departed / The deflation of our dreams / Leaving me helpless and shaken / My beloved ghost and I / Sitting in a tree / DIE.
Spell out death to the tune of a nursery rhyme? Pure and despised Scorpio.
“So high school”
Sagittarius is the sign of high spirits, low eyebrows, open roads and eternal optimism. Enter “So High School,” a song that celebrates growing a new crush and having him in the backseat.
Swift, a Sagittarius Sun, sings about her new relationship with Travis Kelce, a Sagittarius Moon, humbly boasting about understanding Aristotle from watching “American Pie” (roll eyes), easy laughs, sweet exchanges, and feeling good while playing “Grand”. Theft Auto.’
You do it, kids, stay in the game.
“Alchemy”
Swift exhibits the gladiatorial spirit, the first place is the only place for her Capricorn stellium in “The Alchemy,” yet another song about the ball-playing Bromeo ladies and gentlemen, Travis Kelce. “So when I land/Call the amateurs and kick them off the team/Ditch the clowns, take the crown/Baby, I’m the one to beat.”
Buttons ? Crowns? Trophies? The swagger of the sea GOAT? It’s the sonic equivalent of a keg stand at the 50-yard line.
“Down Bad”
Hot hold; “Down Bad” is better if you imagine the song is about T. Swift fucking Spock rather than Matt Healy, definitely fringe porn
I watch. As Aquarius is the sign of the alien and experimental, Water Bearers will resonate with the theme of disappointed abduction: “Did you really teleport me / Into a cloud of sparkling dust / Just to make experiences ? / Tell me I was the one / Showed me this world is bigger than us / Then sent me back where I came from.
“Florida!!!”
“Florida!!!” exclamation points and everything is pure Pisces. As a sign of idealism, escape and forgetting, the fish people will resonate with a song that celebrates places such as drugs, good weather, bad habits, drunkenness in the toilet during a hurricane and the escape from reality, responsibilities and criminal charges.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effects on each sign of the zodiac. His horoscopes incorporate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, and has chronicled her experiences at length during her travels. Among the many fascinating topics she covered were cemetery etiquette, her love of neighborhood bars, a “girl’s guide” to strip clubs, and the “weirdest” foods available at stranger.
New York Post
