The standoff between Jimmy Butler and the Heat trade request might be about to get even funnier

I haven’t started many things. Dishes, my first novel. Sometimes life gets in the way of starting this following something that will define who you are and who you can be. And apparently Jimmy Butler hasn’t started… something… either.

In her recent article on the Jimmy Butler saga, ESPN’s Ramona Shelburne stirred the pot that has come to dominate NBA discourse, while also providing some information that could be really, really funny to anyone praying for the downfall of the Miami Heat.

To summarize briefly, Butler has made it clear that he wants the Heat to trade him, and Pat Riley has made it clear that he is very upset about it. Butler has already been suspended seven games for making things awkward, but is that all he has in the tank?

Let’s ask Shelburne, President and CEO, for some awesome quotes from “sources close to _____”

“Jimmy hasn’t even really started,” a source close to Butler said.

Well, okay then.

If all this awkwardness was just a precursor to the main event, sign me up. This saga has been absolute gold for those of us (Celtics fans) who have tried to laugh at Heat Culture for the past three years, but kept getting smoked by Butler’s witchcraft just before the punchline.

But the idea that Butler, already approaching the highest levels of Anthony-Davis-in-New-Orleans at making this awkward, hasn’t even started? It’s just great.

As with any team-destroying crisis, how we got here went from very confusing to very obvious very quickly. The Heat – who last year looked like a dark horse to challenge the Eastern Conference titans with their gem The choice of Jaime Jaquez Jr. and their super smart The Terry Rozier trade – is now in ruins because of the two most important things to any superstar: time and money.

Butler is 35 years old and currently on the verge of retirement as one of the most accomplished players of the 2010s to never win a championship. He seems to have (rightly) recognized that he has no chance of changing the latter on the Heat, no matter what Riley says. He also seems well aware that at age 35, he probably only has one contract extension left in his NBA career, and the Heat simply aren’t going to give it to him.

Given the first chance to “start” making things weird for the Heat in their first game back from the suspension on Friday, Butler (for the most part) made no comment and tried to quiet the noise…for the moment.

But what if he decides to escalate? Butler proved in 2018 with the Minnesota Timberwolves that he has an iron stomach for uncomfortable team situations, so let’s get creative here. I present to you: the three funniest things Jimmy Butler could do to make good on this anonymous threat and “start” putting pressure on the Heat.

1. Start an ultra-public debate on the statue of Dwyane Wade

What if, to pour lime juice into the wound that closes the Heat’s window, Butler made it his mission to destroy the statue of Dwyane Wade? He and his firebrand agent can get together and write hundreds of statements about how the statue is an affront to thermal culture, or derail every media interview by redirecting his responses to how it doesn’t look like Dwyane Wade . Organize a march against the statue in front of the Kaseya Center? Starting a podcast with Phoenix Suns owner Mat Ishbia called “Statue Situation”?

Better yet, start responding to requests for comment on his trade request by saying there’s no way Wade deserves a statue before LeBron James, clearly the best Heat player of all time. That would energize people and maybe annoy Pat Riley enough to send Jimmy to Phoenix for 33 cents on the dollar.

2. Become a baseball player and sign a minor league contract with the Pensacola Blue Wahoos

This would be (another) thinly veiled reference to Michael Jordan that would be sure to gain public support, if only for a really, really funny reason. Relying on the “son of Jordan” thing would be an elite way to go after Riley, and becoming a multi-sport athlete would turn this fiasco into a full-blown carnival.

Does Butler even play baseball? Irrelevant! It’s a public image issue, not a real sports issue. And the Pensacola Blue Wahoos would rise to the top of the most popular Double-A baseball teams and sell an absolutely insane number of jerseys. Even I would buy one.

3. Legally change its name to “Heat Culture”

This is a monumentally unexplored part of the NBA’s business demands because no one has ever tried to force everyone to call them by a different name, especially one as emotionally charged as “Heat Culture “. I don’t really know if that would help him get traded, but man Would that add a bit of chaos to an already ridiculous situation.

This would be the ultimate middle finger for Riley. Forcing him to speak out about how “Heat Culture has caused irreparable damage to the team’s culture” and how he is “saddened by Heat Culture’s abandonment of its teammates and loyal fans.” Like… come on.

Shams Charania tweets that “Heat Culture has reiterated its request to be traded to the Heat and is growing tired of the delays.” Kendrick Perkins goes on NBA Countdown and explains how the Heat failed to inherit Heat Culture. Bill Simmons places Heat Culture 74th in his NBA pyramid in The Book of Basketball 2: The Squeakquel.

It would be glorious, if not necessarily effective. But when you play hardball, sometimes you have to hit harder than people previously thought possible. And nothing would be harder – or make me happier – than if Heat Cult – er, Jimmy, turned that number up to 11.