The single mother says that the stress of living life in the pay check is unbearable

My son wanted a chipotle for dinner the other evening, and I couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want to say, “Sorry, but I don’t have the money” – again. So, this time, I said something different: “If you want a chipotle, we have to work for it.”

I explained to him that I should make some deliveries on the Uber Eats application to pay our chipotle. Fortunately, my 14 -year -old child was enthusiastic about the adventure and did not know that it is not the number of mothers who feed their children.

But this is my standard because my pay check as a freelancer and educator in Connecticut does not quite last to the next – especially while paying a growing rent and raising three children. It becomes even more difficult now than the cost of living is increasing.

It’s so defeated.

I have the impression of failing as a mother

At 46, I thought I would have succeeded now – whatever it means. I thought I would have a financial cushion, a livable salary or a husband to facilitate the financial burden. I have none of this. I am ashamed that I have no credit cards, savings or retirement plans.

Instead, all I have is concern. My silver anxiety steals precious moments under my nose. My children come back from school with stories and smiles, and I nod,, But I’m not really there. I am in my head, where the wheels turn, trying to determine the invoices to be paid this month and that to be repelled, hoping that my reverse bank will reverse this overdraft and praying that my owner accepts the late rent again.

I wake up every day and try not to let money (or from its absence) define myself, but every day I fail. I fight against thoughts of insufficiency and guilt and shame because I cannot provide my children with the way I know they deserve.

We all deserve more. I need a radicular channel, and the tooth starts to hurt, but my current health insurance will not cover it, so I simply try to do it until I get new insurance, that I trip at an additional $ 600, or that the tooth crowd completely. My daughter needs a ball gown; My son cultivated three inches and needs a completely new wardrobe. Anyone who has children knows that every day brings new unexpected expenses: excursion costs, coaches’ gifts and school projects that require things like a new white t-shirt, a poster and markers.

Fortunately, the children spend half of the time with their father, who covers most of their expenses. But that lets me be ashamed and guilty.

I envy other families who do not have to deal with money problems

While I was walking from top to bottom in the alleys of the grocery store, I add the items in my basket so that their total amount is not more than my banking balance. We recently had to considerably reduce the grocery store due to the price increase.

I also look at the other mothers and dads: their overflowing carts, smiles on their faces and airpods in their ears probably tell me that they do not calculate anything. It makes me frustrated and sad that we had to live like that when they don’t have these worries.

I try to convince myself that life does not concern material things, such as dinners in beautiful restaurants, new comfortable shoes or grocery carts overflowing with luxury items like ice and shrimp.

However, there is happiness, and I hang

Recently, I heard my son say to his sister: “The moms are magical, aren’t it?”

Moments like that make me believe that I can do everything and make us pass all these difficulties.

I remember that we are fortunate to have a roof over our heads, food on the table and health. These are the moments when I know we are rich in important ways.

I also knew it on Uber deliveries eats with my son. For him, it was an adventure and an opportunity to win something that he wanted desperately. It turns out that it was an opportunity for us to take advantage of the things we TO DO Having this money really can’t buy: laughter, health and love.

We were broke but happy for these three Uber deliveries eats – and we laughed all the time. It turns out that Chipotle has even better taste when it is hard won.

Perhaps my Tomorrows are filled with a different story and the comfort of financial stability-or perhaps my wealth is in the form of health and love.