Entertainment
Nothing was off limits during the three-hour Tom Brady roast, which aired live on Netflix Sunday night, and featured appearances from Bill Belichick, Kevin Hart, Peyton Manning, Ben Affleck, Kim Kardashian, and more.
Bill Belichick at the Roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. Netflix
Before the Tom Brady roast on Netflix Sunday night, many questions remained unanswered. Which celebrities would come and roast the GOAT? Would the assembled panel of comedians treat Brady with kid gloves, or would they use every weapon in their arsenal? And which of Brady’s former teammates would actually be funny?
It turns out that “GROAT, The Greatest Roast of All Time: Tom Brady” was a surprisingly profane and no-holds-barred roast, featuring lines that would get most people fired from their jobs.
Lasting just over three hours, the roast was filled to the brim with jokes about Brady, his divorce, his ex-wife’s new romance, his vanity, his terrible business decisions, his complex relationship with Bill Belichick, and much more.
The evening brought to mind the ill-fated 2017 David Ortiz roast, which was filmed at the House of Blues and was supposed to be televised on NESN but never aired — likely because the material was deemed too inappropriate for cable basic.
But Netflix isn’t basic cable, which means viewers have been treated to some truly outrageous moments, including:
— Julian Edelman talks in detail about deflating Tom Brady’s balls
— Rob Gronkowski sets new record for genital jokes per minute
— Brady comparing Drew Bledsoe’s injury to 9/11
— Almost every roaster makes a joke about Aaron Hernandez, including several of his former teammates
— Will Ferrell, as Ron Burgundy from “Anchorman,” leading the crowd in a chant about Brady being Eli Manning’s b****
— Brady, Belichick and Robert Kraft take a photo together (although Belichick looked considerably less happy than he did for much of the night)
Following roast host Kevin Hart, who opened the ceremonies and kept things light throughout the evening with his frequent cheerful refrain of “fuck you, Tom,” more than a dozen comedians, celebrities and great Patriots names stood on the dais and took over. GOAT at the stake.
Some of the roasters were in fine form, especially comedians Nikki Glaser, Jeff Ross and Boston native Sam Jay.
Of the athletes who participated, Edelman, Bledsoe and Peyton Manning probably fared better. Others, like Randy Moss, didn’t quite have the roasting cadence.
One of the biggest disappointments of the evening was Ben Affleck. The Cambridge native seemed unclear on the fact that roasts are meant to excite the people in the room, instead spending his five minutes ripping into a faceless (and seemingly apocryphal) online commenter. Even Kim Kardashian, who was booed by many in the room when she first took the stage, cracked more real jokes than Affleck.
The most pleasant surprise of the evening was undoubtedly Belichick. The famously dour coach not only delivered withering one-liners with a wry smile, but he even addressed the Apple TV+ series “The Dynasty,” which many saw as an attack on his reputation. Not to be outdone, Robert Kraft threw a few jokes at the audience, addressing the tension.
For all its chaotic energy, the Netflix roast of Tom Brady is absolutely worth watching and is already available to stream on Netflix for those who missed it.
But if you’re stuck at work and can’t seem to watch some of the more offbeat bits, here are 19 of the best jokes from the Tom Brady roast that our editor will let us publish.
Gisèle jokes
“Gisèle gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said, “Retire or we’re done.” » (…) Let me tell you something: when you have the chance to go 8-9 and all it will cost you is your wife and your children, you have to do what you have to do. — Kevin Hart
“Give it up for Lord of the Rings Super Bowl, my friend Tom Brady. A man who has so many rings that he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu instructor. -Jeff Ross
“Tom Brady. Five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns. You have seven rings, well eight, now that Gisèle has given hers back. The only thing dumber than saying yes to that roast was when you said, ‘Hey baby, you should try jiu-jitsu.’ -Nikki Glaser
“There were a lot of jokes tonight, but the truth is that I miss the love of my life: football.” —Tom Brady
Tom Brady Jokes
Tom, I wanted you to be our first GOAT to roast, because you are an example for future generations. If you work hard, eat right, film the other team’s practices, deflate footballs and ask the NFL to make new rules just for you, you too can be the third most famous guy in a Dunkin Donuts commercial . -Jeff Ross
“I started a winery. It’s called Doubleback. It’s named after what Tom does every time he passes a mirror. —Drew Bledsoe
“You retired, then you came back, then you retired again. I mean, I get it, it’s hard to walk away from something that isn’t your pregnant girlfriend. -Nikki Glaser
“When we played together, Tom, you shouted, “Laser focus!” Laser focus! » That’s what he shouts to his plastic surgeon. Who is laughing now Tom? Not you, because your face can’t move and you don’t have a sense of humor. —Julien Edelman
“People said Tom and I fought over each other a lot. In a way it was true, but not really. It was hard to go up against Tom because his was so high up Alex Guerrero’s ass. —Bill Belichick
“Tom is donating to each of his former teammates’ charities that came here tonight. And I gotta tell you, Tom, it’s first class. Hey guys, don’t let him pay you in crypto. —Peyton Manning
Bill Belichick Jokes
“The guys invited me here to lighten the mood tonight.” —Bill Belichick
“I’m so honored to be here for the Tom Brady roast on Netflix. This is not to be confused with The Roast of Bill Belichick, the ten-episode Apple TV series. —Bill Belichick
“A lot of people associate me with the saying ‘Do your job’ and telling people to do their job. Gronk, I watched you on FOX NFL on Sunday, and I’m begging you: stop doing your job. Do another job. Do someone else’s job! —Bill Belichick
For those who don’t know, Coach will be working on Eli and my show Monday Night Football this year. (…) Eli and I are super excited, and this is going to give coach Belichick something he hasn’t had in a while: the chance to be with quarterbacks he respects. —Peyton Manning
“Like many family gatherings, there are certain people I desperately try to avoid. Coach Belichick, good to see you. You really look debonair in sleeves. —Robert Kraft
Various jokes
“Tom brought Boston with him tonight. Whore. I’ve never seen Inglewood so white. It’s so white here. It looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just came out. — Kevin Hart
“That’s pretty fucked up of you.” Is life too good? You’re like, you know what, I want someone to kick my ass for three hours. It’s settled: you won’t see me volunteering for the Ben Affleck Roast. Or as I like to call it, Thursday. -Ben Affleck
“Despite everything we saw here tonight, Gronk was really helpful on the field. Although the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then: block, catch, don’t kill. » —Tom Brady
“People ask, ‘Tom, why would you make this roast now?’ » It’s simple: I can take the hits. I would have done it sooner, but I was too busy winning championships. Which explains why Peyton made this roast 8 years ago. —Tom Brady
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