Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR
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Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR
Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR
Has a friend or family member ever asked you to borrow money?
Earlier this month, Life Kit posed this question to our audience for an episode we did on the social etiquette of money lending. The act of generosity can unite people in difficult times. But it can also complicate relationships, especially if the borrower does not repay the loan.
We received nearly 50 emails on this subject. Many of you reiterated a general rule mentioned in the episode: if a loved one asks for a loan, offer the money as a gift if you can afford it.
But we also heard different points of view. Some of you have told us how lending money destroyed your friendships. Some gave advice on how to get money back from a negligent borrower. And others shared heartwarming stories of how the funds changed a person’s life.
Here is a selection of listener responses. These have been edited for length and clarity.
Use the loan as a teaching moment
Early in their marriage, my son and daughter-in-law struggled to make their paychecks stretch — and began asking my husband and me for money.
I said yes with a few conditions. First, it would only be a one-off measure. Second, they had to track in writing how the money was spent so I could see where the money was going. They weren’t thrilled with the idea, especially because I would see how they spent their money, but I didn’t care.
The exercise made them aware of where the money was going. It only took a few months and they were living within their means. They are fine now. They bought a house they could afford when interest rates were low. —Joan Shurtliff
Saving my friend from high interest rates
My friend had a situation where she was in debt on a credit card with a high interest rate, so I paid it off for her. It was over $500. I told him to pay me back over time.
It made no sense to me that she was wasting money on interest. My parents gave me money for two months of credit card bills between college and my first post-college job. I paid them back after I had a few paychecks under my belt. My friend’s family doesn’t have that luxury and I don’t think they should be penalized for it. —Yvonne Marcoux
Do not hesitate to request your refund
One of my classmates was unlucky. He had been unemployed for some time and was struggling to make ends meet. He asked if he could borrow some money. I lent him $500 in the hopes that when things got better he would pay me back.
After about two years, I called. I felt uneasy because I couldn’t say for sure if he actually had the means to do it, but he now had a job. It took him a few months, but he refunded me in full. —Mariann Duya
Consider their character
One day, a good friend of mine – former roommate and tenant – emailed me and a few friends. He just lost his job and humbly asked all of us if we could lend him some money for a month’s rent.
It was unusual for him to ask for such a loan. My friend is a hardworking man and responsible with his money. He was a reliable roommate and tenant who always paid on time.
I consulted my wife. She suggested that we lend her the entire amount and consider it a gift. We were in a financial situation where we could afford it. My friend was very grateful. From what I understand, we were the only ones in the group’s email to lend him money.
About a year later, after we found another job and got back on our feet, he paid us back in full. It was a pleasant but not complete surprise given his character and our friendship. Although we were completely fine with the idea of leaving the money as a gift, it was nice to know that friends can keep their word too. —Oscar Fornoles
So far, so good
I often lend money to family, partners, friends and colleagues. I even offer loans proactively. They also lend me money. I only remember one issue involving very little money that I lent to a guy I didn’t know well. Maybe I’m lucky? Maybe it’s my environment? Do I choose my friends well? —Daniel Garzon
Glad to have made it a gift
Several years ago, I loaned a long-time friend $500. She was going through a difficult time after a difficult divorce. Out of compassion for his situation, I wanted to help him.
But before I did that, I asked myself if I was ready to never see that money again. I’m glad the answer was yes because she never refunded me or talked about it. —Salvatrice Kemper
Thank you to everyone who responded to our call. To participate in our next crowd-generated story – and get great life advice from experts – sign up for the weekly Life Kit newsletter.
This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We would like to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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