Dear Eric: I have known “Mary” for almost 10 years. We have a strictly commercial / professional relationship which forces us to meet us several times a year.
Although we do not socialize, we are kidding and we are talking about small discussions on family, pets, travel, films, etc., when we meet. We have always succeeded.
I know Mary is gay (she told me that). Based on our conversations, Mary identified as a woman, although her physical appearance and her clothes do not sparkle her with a specific sex.
At one point during the two months that I did not see Mary, she made a thick beard grow which completely covers her chin. When I saw the drastic and sudden change (at least for me) its appearance, none of us said anything about this. We just talked as if nothing had changed.
I believe that Marie has the right to present herself as she chooses, and I am not at all uncomfortable with the possibility of having a beard. But I feel annoying by pretending that it is not there.
My question is whether I should recognize the change in its appearance, and if so, what is the appropriate thing to say. I don’t want to offend him by saying or saying something.
If you think I should just ignore it, then I’m sure I can go beyond clumsiness.
– Beard label
Dear label: Because it is a strictly commercial relationship and because Mary has not mentioned it, ignoring the beard as you would for another appearance colleague is the best bet here.
As you note, there is nothing wrong with the beard. There are times, in professional contexts, when a compliment for this could work. But, in general, at work, it is preferable for everyone to keep a small conversation in the field of physical appearance.
Dear Eric: My father and my mother-in-law, who are in the mid-80s and healthy, live an hour from us.
My wife and I have had a good relationship with them for over 40 years, and we are talking by phone at least once a week. We have always made a duty to include them in our family gatherings so that they can see their grandchildren and grandchildren. My mother-in-law’s children live nearby and often stop at home.
I am generally the one who informs us to meet for lunch somewhere near them. If one of them has an appointment, the day before or after is prohibited for a visit.
Recently, I invited them twice to come to our house when our children and grandchildren were there and the twice they refused, declaring: “We have too much.”
We failed to come together with them during the holidays because we were outside the city. On our return, I mentioned gather three times, and my father replied that he did not know his schedule and that I answered myself.
I am really confused and injured by what happened. On the phone, he is very friendly and acts as if nothing was wrong. My mother-in-law tells my wife that she loves her at the end of each call. We haven’t seen each other for six months.
I stopped asking him to come together because it is obviously more important for him.
– Confused son
Dear son: Your father and stepmother can have less ability to make and follow the plans that before. Even if they are in good health, the rhythms of their lives continue to change.
Try to put aside your emotions by considering this as a logistical challenge, rather than an intentional light.
They communicated part of this by fixing the border around the days of appointment, for example. This can withdraw a lot. So, it is not a case of them who choose their appointments on you, but rather that they negotiate the new realities of their life.
Take proof of their love with nominal value.
You can make your task easier and on you adjusting your expectations.
Take the example of your mother-in-law’s children. Although it is more practical for them to stop because they live closer, it is probably more useful for your father and your mother-in-law to have a more flexible visit which does not require as much planning .
You may need to start figuratively and figuratively to make an additional effort to make sure that your father and my mother-in-law get what they need (and you). Test it with a relaxed journey. “I will be in the region today in about half an hour. Do you mind if I go? But also listen to the answer and be ready to continue to adapt until it feels good all around. Maybe they need less notice, maybe more.
Give them a certain grace here and remember that the goal here is to meet those you love where they are.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @ouric and register for his weekly newsletter in Rercthomas.com.
Originally published:
California Daily Newspapers
