Dear Eric: My sister is divorced after 40 years of marriage.
It has been to come for a long time, during which I often saw her reprimand her husband in front of the family and friends for doing things that the rest of us could not recognize. I also saw his rage against my elderly mother who has breast cancer.
Now she separated and has set up her own place in another state of her husband. I went to visit him and tried to support his new life.
During the holidays, I visited her husband because her house is on the way to where we were going to spend the holidays. He presented his new girlfriend to us.
I had told my sister that we stop there but when she discovered that I had met the girlfriend, she became rabid against me, saying that I was not favorable and that I should have To say that I was uncomfortable to meet her girlfriend, which I was not.
She sent me a text since he said how unfair I am and that she can’t talk to me.
I’m so angry that I just want to tell her to stop contacting me. However, we still have to talk about our mom, and I feel guilty of knowing that she hurts, and I cannot help her.
I can’t understand how to move forward. I plan to give her time but I am also angry as I want to break contact with her. Really ruined Christmas and not an excellent start for a new year.
–Eoire to be shouted at
Dear tired: From your story, your sister’s frustrations in life often seem to boil in tirades. This is something on which she can work in therapy or perhaps with medication. This may not be the ideal time to talk about this, but keep it in your arsenal. She could probably use help.
For the moment, recognize that his anger is real and that your anger is also real. However, you don’t need to stay in touch with this.
Tell him that you are sorry that she was injured by the girlfriend’s meeting and that you are going to give her space, but that it is important that you can both speak through the questions with your Mom. It puts everything on the table. He communicates with her that you must stop talking about the situation with her ex while fixing a clear border around what you can and you are talking about.
Dear Eric: I will be 65 years old in a few months and I announced my intention to retire.
I have a long list of things I want to do, and after 50 years of employment and savings, I am well located for these following years. At least that’s what my financial advisor and my balance sheets tell me.
I really aspire to a more discretionary time, and my physical health tells me that I have to get out from behind the desk.
My problem is that I receive cold feet to leave a pay check behind. After an economy life, how can I let myself relax in expenses?
I know it’s a good problem to have on the surface, but it really tortures me. I need a few words of wisdom to help me arrive on the other side. Can you help me?
– undecided plans
Dear plans: There is a version of yourself in the past that has started on this backup and planning trip with the hope that it would one day be for you. And whenever you / he had trouble spending a week of work, you may have thought at that time. So congratulations to you in the past and in the present. You did something incredible.
You know how sometimes you go on vacation, but you are not in a mood to spend a vacation for a day or two? Unfortunately, we do not have a relaxation switch. So, do not try to force yourself to be suddenly in retirement mode if you are not.
Make a plan for your days and goals that are realistic. You have time to get used to this new phase.
You have trusted your financial advisor so far; When you start to feel worried about leaving a check behind, hold your hand. “Remind me that I’m fine.” People do it with financial advisers all the time. It is perfectly normal to need to be reassured.
This is a transition, a big one. Although this may look like a phase of life in which we would happily jump, it is just to recognize the complicated feelings around him too.
You move the way you live and break the routines you have for decades. It will take a certain fit.
Give yourself space and time to feel this and the freedom to change course when you wish.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @ouric and register for his weekly newsletter in Rercthomas.com.
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