Question to Eric: Grandpa doesn’t appreciate time spent with family

Dear Eric: I have been with my husband for 25 years and married for seven. We have children from previous marriages and I have six grandchildren.

He was abused as a child and underwent therapy to address it, but later stopped. He lost a grandmother early and had no connection with the other. I had great-grandmothers, so I appreciate the roles of grandparents. He appears jealous and negative at family events unless he is the center of attention.

I notice my kids look to it for connection. He is very successful in his career and loves admiration. I am connected to her children and recognize their needs, making sure they are noted during their visit. They are younger and don’t have children yet.

My children lost their father years ago and encourage his role as a grandfather, but my husband is jealous of their deceased father. Yesterday we attended my grandson’s birthday party, and he was surly and pushed to leave early. He’s not talking to me today to punish me. I don’t reinforce this childish behavior by demanding his attention. I continue to enjoy life, remain cordial and connect with others. I have my life and my career at 70 but it puts a damper on the joy.

— Happy grandmother

Dear Merry: Good for you for not putting up with this behavior. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to understand where he’s coming from and to help him feel comfortable. But some of his behavior bears the mark of psychological violence, which places him in a different category.

Specifically, his jealousy, his pressure for you both to leave a family gathering, and now the silent treatment. He may not have the tools to deal with the emotions he’s feeling, but he needs to know that these tactics put you and your relationship at risk.

Even if he didn’t have a good relationship with his grandparents or parents, resources are available to help him break the cycle and learn new tools. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) offers steps to take and advocates who can help navigate change. Returning to therapy, with a focus on the impact of his behavior on his family, is also a good option that he should definitely take.

It is important that you have the support you need to continue to experience the joy of being a parent and grandparent. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend or contact the hotline to share what’s going on and get help talking to your husband.

Dear Eric: I’m in my early 60s and most of my friends are also in their 70s. I forget things now and so do my friends. But some forget more than others. So when I’m talking to a friend and they respond to something I’ve already said as if it’s new, what do I say?

This is often something we have discussed rather than mentioned. And often this has been discussed more than once. It seems to be the case every time I talk to a particular friend. Most forgotten objects are not monumental. It could be a book or a conversation between them.

When I forgot something with the forgetful friend, I was reprimanded with a loud “I told you so” and in fact she did, but I didn’t get the chance to explain why I had forgotten. Maybe it’s a normal part of aging or maybe I’m overdoing it, but it’s starting to bother me.

— Memory concerns

Dear memory: While the things your friend forgets might not be monumental, they could be a sign of a bigger problem, so it’s good that you noticed. While this is a normal part of your friend’s aging process, keeping track of areas that concern you, being patient with your friend, and having calm, compassionate one-on-one conversations about what you’ve noticed are good first steps.

The Alzheimer’s Association website (alz.org) offers a 10-step guide to addressing memory problems in others. The main components are:

• Assess the situation – note changes, consider what else is happening, and determine if others have noticed anything wrong.
• Take action through conversation – giving specific examples of behaviors you’ve noticed and asking if your friend is worried.
• Ask for help: find out more, call the association’s hotline, offer to attend a doctor’s visit with your friend.