DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my husband’s 20th birthday reunion, I wrote “Sam’s Wife” on my badge.
I knew that only three people knew me and that no one else would probably remember my name the following week – they would all call me “Sam’s wife.” So I went with that.
It was fun. Most people reacted well, and some even laughed and said, “You’re right, we might not have remembered your name!”
The funny thing is that on several occasions I was reprimanded and told that I had to “have my own identity” etc.
GENTLE READER: It’s only funny if you find it amusing to be treated condescendingly.
Miss Manners might have been tempted to say, “Well, I would have put my own name in, but I’ve been married so long I don’t remember what that is.” And then apologized before the lecture on “being a whole person”.
What might be fun is whether Sam would have the same reaction if he identified himself during your reunion as “Samantha’s husband.” Miss Manners supposes this would be considered charming loyalty from a supportive spouse – who no one would doubt is also a whole person.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a doctor and I enjoy my relationships with my patients. I am honored that they trust me to take care of them.
However, over the past few years, my patients have repeatedly asked me a question that I find intrusive and rude. I don’t know how to end the line of inquiry while maintaining a professional and caring relationship.
I am asked, directly and indirectly, if I am pregnant. For example, “Ooh, is your waistline getting bigger?” ” (with a conspiratorial wink and a finger pointing at my less-than-flat stomach). Or simply: “Are you pregnant?”
This has been especially hard to hear lately, because I’ve been going through fertility treatments for several years (without success) and I don’t want to discuss it. I sometimes have to hold back tears when they ask me to.
I’ve tried responses like, “Oh, I don’t talk about that stuff at work,” which don’t deter them. I have also tried to deny it, sometimes to the chagrin of my patients, who discuss my status with me.
More than a little exasperated, I was tempted to say things like, “Are you calling me fat?” or “I’m shocked that you would ask such a rude question” – neither of which, in my opinion, is appropriate in this situation and could harm our doctor-patient relationship.
What could I say that would end the questions (without answering the question), without being rude or causing irreparable harm?
GENTLE READER: Said pleasantly (Miss Manners suggests a half-smile): “I was under the impression that I am here to examine you, not for you to examine me.” Now, about those headaches you have…”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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