DEAR ABBY: Since our daughter moved away, got married and had children, she has become a different person.
She doesn’t treat my wife like a mother. They used to be close, but now it seems like my wife can’t do anything right. She can’t post photos of her grandchildren when others can, and she can’t hug or kiss her grandchildren when others can.
When asked what she did to be treated this way, my daughter replied, “I don’t know.”
My wife wants to be a typical grandmother and love, spoil, and have a relationship with her grandchildren, but she continues to get pushback.
I’ve had enough with my daughter because when my wife suffers, so do I. I’m ready to put it aside and move on. What do we have to do?
— FRUSTRATED GRANDPARENTS
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your daughter may worry that her children love grandma more than her. You might ask your daughter if she would be open to family counseling, but don’t be surprised if she isn’t.
If I’m right, then your idea of moving on and finding other interests with your wife to fill that empty space isn’t bad.
If she wants to be with young children and needs to spend some time, perhaps she could volunteer for a program such as Foster Grandparents, in which volunteers work as aides in schools, daycares, Head Start programs and family support centers. To learn more about them, visit americorps.gov.
DEAR ABBY: I am allergic to a wide range of scents: perfume, cologne, laundry detergent, etc.
When I get caught in someone’s cloud, my sinuses and lungs burn, causing instant wheezing and coughing.
My husband’s friend bathes in a scent similar to household cleaning powder. It’s so strong that we can both smell it in our house for over a week after his visit.
I avoid this friend like the plague and hide on the other side of the house with the doors closed, but I still suffer from an allergic reaction. Forgive my graphic nature, but its caustic smell makes my nose bleed.
My husband refuses to tell his friend about the health problems I suffer from after his visits. He doesn’t want him to feel unwelcome or upset by being “rude.”
What about Me? I can’t go near the upholstered furniture my friend sits on for more than a week.
There is no reason in the world for me to suffer in my own home. I’m afraid I’ll explode in rage the next time he visits, embarrassing everyone involved.
Could you please advise me on how to tell a friend they stink without being rude?
— SUFFERING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SUFFERING: It’s not a violation of etiquette to tell someone you have an allergy problem that you’ve been reluctant to discuss for fear of appearing rude.
Call the friend before their next visit and explain that one of the products they are using is causing an allergic reaction that results in nosebleeds. Then ask him not to wear it when he is at your house.
This may be a conversation that makes you uncomfortable, but it’s essential to have it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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