Dear Amy: My wife and I are divorcing after 23 years of marriage. I’m moving soon.
We have a 21 year old son. I talked to him about it, and even though he’s angry, he says he understands.
The problem, however, was that my marriage was bad for a very long time and I fell in love with another woman.
My wife considers me an adulterer. She said this to my son. How can I help him understand that I am not an adulterer?
I want to have a good relationship with my son, I never want to leave him, but his mother has poisoned him somewhat.
How to explain things to him?
– No longer alone on Long Island
Dear, I’m not alone anymore: In the short term, you should focus less on justifying or trying to redefine your behavior, and focus more on your son.
Please understand that any younger person, faced with extreme change, thinks, “But what about me? Your son’s first concern is (and should be) more his own happiness and future than yours.
And right now, because of this breakup, your son has about 10 times more relationship challenges than you.
He must somehow manage an estranged relationship with his angry, bitter, betrayed mother – and his liberated, self-centered and (I assume) extremely happy father.
I’m trying to understand what your behavior is doing not constitute adultery. So maybe you should just stick with it.
I assure you that every spouse who has ever ended their marriage through another relationship has justified it by pointing out their own unhappiness. But the order is supposed to be: decide to separate, move out, divorce, new relationship.
Do your best to create plenty of space for your son to say whatever he needs to say. Absolutely correct the story if the story has strayed completely from the truth, but invite them to ask you any questions and answer them honestly.
My suggestion is that you don’t blame his mother for feeling betrayed – even if she takes the blame unfairly. Her feelings are her feelings, and you should only say that you are sorry that she feels so sad and that you wish she wouldn’t drag your son into her sadness.
Don’t throw your new relationship in the way, don’t compare your new wife to her mother, and don’t ask her to be happy for you.
Apologize to him for disrupting his life and assure him that you will always be by his side, no matter what.
dear Amy: Our 25 year old daughter was charged with drunk driving this weekend. She has never experienced anything like this and is asking us for help.
Her father and I think she needs to face the consequences of her choice to drive her car while drinking too much.
What do you think we should do?
– Concerned parents
Dear concerned: You can’t make this go away, nor should you try. So yes, of course, she must assume the consequences.
Your daughter is extremely lucky if the only consequences are legal (and she hasn’t caused harm – or worse – to an innocent party or herself).
In terms of “help”, you can attend all court hearings with her, help her find a lawyer, and help her locate the public bus stop or find alternative transportation if/when his license is suspended.
She should also pay the fine associated with this crime.
I hope the court will also insist that she receive alcohol counseling. We absolutely must insist on this.
You need to make sure she understands how alarming, serious, potentially devastating and dangerous this choice was.
She may not consider it “help,” but it is.
dear Amy: Recently, you released an update for “Ghosted Uncle”. Her question was about being estranged from her teenage niece and nephew.
In your response to his first letter, you criticized him for not trying hard enough.
Then he informed you saying he tried harder, but to no avail.
He also said those young people sent him one graduation invitation and two wedding invitations and he returned them.
You chose to criticize him again!
It’s amazing that people ask you for advice.
It is obvious that these young people were looking for gifts, nothing more.
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: I considered these invitations to be offers to connect, but “Ghosted Uncle” will never know their motivation, because he returned the mail unopened.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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