My twins are adults and they establish the rules now

For 15 years, a detailed childcare sheet ruled my family life. Each second Sunday brought the familiar ritual of packaging bags while my identical twin sons moved between their parents’ houses.

When my ex-wife and I separated, our boys were only 3 years old. We immediately established a 50/50 arrangement which has become the framework of our existence. Sports uniforms, manuals and game equipment have made the regular journey between houses, although homework always seemed mysteriously “forgotten” during transitions.

My children do not leave for the university

Unlike American parents whose children go to university, Australian students generally live at home while frequenting university and often in their twenties. Now that my sons have been 18 years old, they have chosen to continue to move between the houses – but according to their conditions. With the university just 15 minutes from the two houses, they remain everywhere civil servants.

Their choice of residence now comes down to practice rather than a spreadsheet. Sometimes they will stay with me for days because it is suitable for their schedule. Other times, they will disappear for a few weeks because they are busy working or spending time with their friends who live closer to their mother’s house.

The practice of sport, social events and university hours now determine their location – not a document approved by the court. They could appear unexpectedly before a basketball match or decide to spend an additional night because they have a party nearby.

There is no formal transfer, they send me an SMS

Communication has completely changed. From now on, changes in the calendar come directly from boys – generally via last minute texts. “”We will be at home in 20 minutes with friends, “reads a typical message, just arriving when I dine. Although this direct communication is refreshing, it is with its own challenges. The eighteen boys are not exactly known for their planning skills.

The foreseeable rotation of the holidays that we have maintained for years has completely dissolved. Instead of the guaranteed provisions of the alternative year that we had before, we now compete with girlfriend dinners, sports commitments and university hours.

Our refrigerator is empty or overflowing

Even without structured arrangement, I tried to have their movements. But as they constantly remind me, they don’t like to plan more than one day to come. “Dad, we are not sitting with calendars by reflecting on where we slept next Tuesday,” said my son recently.

This means their mother-in-law, and I had to adapt to their impromptu visits, often requiring a last minute dashboard to the grocery store to ensure enough food for dinner.

These spontaneous visits often lead to our best family times. Last week, they brought their friends for an impromptu barbecue that would not have happened in our rigid calendar.

It’s hard when I don’t see them for days

The most significant change has been emotional. Some weeks, they live practically at home, emptying the pantry and having friends. Then suddenly, I might not see them for days. At the beginning, I took these models personally, wondering if their mom was their favorite parent or if I had done something wrong. However, their choices generally have more to do with convenience and their social life than any preference between parents.

After a week without seeing them, I find myself inventing reasons to send SMS – by questioning a university course they mentioned or by sending an update to our favorite football team. It’s ridiculous, really. We have spent years carefully following the daycare schedules, and now I throw distortions for a “How are you?” Just to make sure they haven’t forgotten their father.

Choosing the two houses looks like parental success

Watch them choose to divide their time between houses – even without the structure of a guard agreement – tells me that we have to do something good as parents.

They could have easily decided to live full -time, as some of their friends have chosen to do so. Instead, they sail between two houses, two families and their life more and more busy. Sometimes this means full houses and empty refrigerators; Other times, it means quiet nights and last -minute texts.

This was chaotic, unpredictable and sometimes inducing anxiety – but see them voluntarily maintaining links with both parents resembles the ultimate validation of our 15 years of structured co -parenting.