DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently found out that my 20-year-old sister was adopted, and it left me feeling shocked, confused, and betrayed.
I’m 25 years old and my parents never revealed this information to me or my sister. We have lived our entire lives thus far believing that we are blood sisters. Our relationship hasn’t changed since the news broke, but it’s still life-changing information.
If I feel betrayed, I can’t imagine how my sister feels!
All her life she thought our parents were her blood relatives, but it turns out other people she’s never met are her biological parents.
I have trouble trusting my parents and I wonder what else they might be hiding from my sister and me. I feel like a huge part of my childhood is a lie.
How can I rebuild trust with my parents? How can my sister and I cope with the feelings of betrayal we are experiencing?
— Coping with adoption
DEAR DEALING WITH ADOPTION: Do your best to focus on the love you all share with each other. It doesn’t matter whose blood runs through your veins, your sister East your sister.
Try to forgive your parents for not figuring out how to tell you this tender truth sooner. They probably wanted to include her in the family rather than make her feel different. Their intentions were probably good.
Perhaps now is the time to learn more about their decision and rekindle the love between you. Consider viewing this as protection rather than betrayal.
I doubt your parents meant to hurt either of you in any way. From this approach you should be able to talk about it and learn. However, this won’t happen if you’re too judgmental.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend recently separated from her husband, and it’s so sad.
I talk to her almost every day and she tries her best to stay strong, but it’s hard for her.
It seems like a lot of people side with her husband, mainly because he has a big mouth. He talks about her like a dog to anyone who will listen.
He’s not that kind of person. She just wants to make things right and find a way forward, whatever that may be.
How can I support her without judgment or exhaustion?
– Between
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Be her best friend by continuing to be a good listener.
You can’t give her answers about what’s going on in her life, but your loving, listening ear means everything to her right now. She needs someone she trusts to be there for her.
When marriages break down, it’s almost impossible to get through it without a lot of anxiety and sensitivity. It’s best if you say less and always be available when she needs you.
At the same time, be sure to schedule time to decompress and spend time with other people – but don’t talk about your friend’s life when you’re not with her. Do your best to compartmentalize. This way you protect yourself and your friends’ privacy.
When you need a break from listening to him, tell him. This way you won’t feel like you’re abandoning him when you take a step back.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative aimed at helping people access and achieve their dreams. You can send questions to Askharriette@harriettecole.com or to Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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