Dear Eric: In recent years, more and more of my longtime friends have disappeared from my life.
One sent a message by reading “I am retired” and when they were asked how she appreciated her retirement, sent the same message on several occasions as her response.
One asked me to spend a vacation with her, and when I responded with enthusiasm, I had never contacted myself for a long time, only to send a bizarre meme two years later.
The last one was a woman with whom I walk occasionally. She started shouting to passers -by one morning and left. She sent me a message saying later: “You were upset.” I replied that I was worried about her. I haven’t heard of her since.
Now I have no more friends. We all have retirement age. Do they go down in poor mental health following the pandemic, or is it me? Am I running people because I am inappropriate in one way or another?
– Deconal friend
Dear friend: This could be a perfect storm of several factors. It is possible that some of your friends are experiencing mental health difficulties, while others are subject to age adapted to their social commitment capacity, and you bring the weight of all this.
As people age and their priorities change, it is common for some friendships to be done. (However, greater changes in personality or energy levels can indicate a problem, such as depression or cognitive problems. It is therefore something to look for.)
Part of this can be a communication problem. You have received fairly sudden texts from your retired friend and friend with the same. It is difficult to sometimes read the tone or intention on the text. A call can be useful to clarify where you are.
It is also a good idea to see the outside on how you meet and how you approach the friendship of a loved one or an advisor. You don’t need to get there too deep, if you don’t want to, but an intestinal verification or a simple “am I missing something” will make your mind at ease regarding the relevance of your behavior.
Despite what is happening with your friends, I hope you take measures to avoid loneliness, which can be a major challenge for many elderly people.
Remember to explore programming options in a center for the elderly or another community organization. You will find people who are in similar transition states in their friendships and people who wish to invest in the establishment of new relationships.
Dear Eric: My cousin and her second wife moved to the small town where I live. My cousin exhorted me / asked me to be friends with her, so she will be happier here.
She has everything that is happening for her, but she doesn’t seem to stop complaining.
When we meet, which is frequently, I am stuck to listen to his complaint and complain. For example, she recently groaned a cruise that they continue to celebrate a family wedding to which I was not invited. But I sat down, absorbing her oxen on the other guests (my loved ones, attention) and the route that she had the chance to have already visited. Meanwhile, my cousin looked at his phone and said nothing.
It’s like trying to become her friend, I became her dumping ground instead.
He is an anxious person, and I understand that airing her sorrows could be his way of treating anxiety. But I am not therapist, so I lack skills or script to change his goal.
It is starting to feel like this dynamic is the entry price to see my cousin. My husband has no help; In addition, she doesn’t do that to him.
I lack ideas and patience. So, I wonder, what would you do in my place?
– thrown
Dear dropped on: What you do for your cousin and his wife is very nice. But kindness has its limits, and I think you are roughly there.
Friendship is a two -way street, but if it litters it with complaints, you have to take a detour.
You can be direct in the moment by saying something like: “I’m sorry that you are going there. Can we change the subject to something more positive? This will help our two moods. “
You can even interrupt your time together by apologizing or cutting the short visit when you have enough. Being the friend of your cousin does not necessarily mean that you should give it an unlimited amount of time and energy.
You might even consider getting less frequently. I know you want to see your cousin, but if your time is monopolized by his wife, how much quality time do you get anyway?
It is super focused on the negative, you can be super focused on creating parameters for this relationship. Decide in advance how long you are committed to complaints and when it is in place, Skedaddle.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric And register for his weekly newsletter on Rercthomas.com.
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