How to is Slate’s sex advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear how to do it,
My husband underwent treatment for hypopharyngeal cancer. He cannot eat or drink through his mouth and is fed through a tube, likely for the rest of his life. Because he can’t swallow, he has to continually cough and spit saliva and phlegm into a cup he carries (it’s a terrible noise), and he can’t hold his head up without pain. I know he would like to have sex, but his abilities are very limited.
For the last three years, sex has mostly consisted of him fondling my breasts, followed by me going down on him. We are both in our sixties. Even with the help of Viagra, he can’t get very hard now. I’ve pretty much lost interest in sex, although I still really like it. But we can’t even kiss like we used to, let alone have penetrative sex. He’s still quite weak, even after a year of rehab, and neck pain limits the positions he can stay in for any length of time.
How do I explain my feelings to him without crushing him? He is quite sensitive. He’s alluded to sex, and I know that helps him feel loved, but for me, sex is basically about “serving” him. Yes, we could introduce a vibrator for me, but that makes me self-conscious and unsexy. I miss deep kisses, his body on mine, and making love that feels good for both of us. I have a therapist but he’s not a sexologist. At this point, I don’t think suggesting sex therapy would help things and would probably make my husband feel even more worthless as a partner. Any advice you could offer would be a great help.
— Heartbroken and frustrated
Dear Broken and Frustrated Heart,
It might be worth spending some time thinking about what it is about vibrators that makes you feel self-conscious and unsexy, because that’s the only way I see to introduce sexual pleasure to you in the very difficult situation you describe. You can try using just one at first and see if you can get used to it on your own terms.
Failing that, you’ll either have to let things continue as is (which I don’t like, because having sex purely out of duty is a miserable experience that I don’t think anyone should put themselves through), or have a very difficult conversation that will. you have a good chance of hurting your husband’s feelings. The best thing you can do is lead with love and kindness when talking to him. Reiterate your love and loyalty. Tell him that you know what you are going to say may be difficult. Go slowly, give him a chance to understand what you’re saying and respond, and tell him the truth as concisely and concretely as possible. This will help you think through or even write down what you plan to say in advance.
Good luck and remember that you have the ability to defend your own boundaries while being as kind as possible.
Please keep questions short (
Dear how to do it,
I can’t tell if I’m asexual or not. I have sexual urges and I like the idea of sex, but I can’t see myself enjoying the act itself. I am a virgin. This can stem from various issues related to low self-esteem. Growing up, the only family member who raised me always told me that my body looked disgusting or that I needed to change my appearance. Is it possible that I’m an ace, or do I just need to improve my self-image?
—Maybe disgusting, maybe not
Dear, maybe not,
You may be asexual And that you could use better body image, or that it’s just one or the other. Sometimes it can be helpful to listen to the internalized negative messages we receive and then examine them logically. Are they true? Does it matter what these messages say? If you are able, a therapist is a great resource for doing this kind of work. But if you can’t afford it, you can start by finding one thing you enjoy about your body and focusing on it for a few minutes each day. As you become more comfortable with this, make a longer list of things you can enjoy – aesthetic or more related to your ability to do things or pleasure – and continue to spend time dwell on this list daily.
That of Angela Chen Ace is an excellent book that covers many people’s experiences of asexuality – it is, at this point, considered the Bible of asexuality. And friend of the column Aubri Lancaster has an Instagram page filled with easy-to-digest slideshows on the subject.
You may find that sexuality is right for you simply by reading about it. You might also decide that you’d like to experiment a little and see what sex is like. If you go this route, choose a partner who is patient, sensitive, and emotionally intelligent, and let them know you’re wondering. Use your words to tell them if you want to slow down or stop completely, and know that there is no shame in ending sexual activity for any reason at any time.
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Dear how to do it,
I’m a 24 year old straight woman and I’ve never had an orgasm. I am currently single and exploring different sex toys, which give me the same result. I get to a certain point of a very intense edge that my body can’t handle, so I stop the toy and never seem to go past the edge. This has happened several times with different toys. My hands never seem to work for me. What can I do to overcome this obstacle? Is this even normal? Is my body just designed not to orgasm?
—Just a girl who needs help
Dear just a girl who needs help,
The first question that comes to mind is why are you stopping? What does “my body can’t take” mean? And is the thing you can’t handle that’s causing you to stop using the toy actually the orgasm you’re looking for? So take the time to think about what is worrying you. If you’re afraid of kicking or falling, choose a place where it won’t be a problem. If you’re afraid of urinating, know that it’s probably ejaculation and get in the tub. If it’s more a fear of the unknown, know that an orgasm only lasts a few seconds and most people return to their baseline fairly quickly after having one.
It’s entirely possible that your body won’t orgasm at all. You would be in the minority of women, and if it seems that way, you can accept that about yourself, but I encourage you to keep trying first. If nothing works yet, give it a few more years and revisit the situation. Our bodies and sexual responses change as we age, so what didn’t work at one time may be worth trying again.
—Jessica
More advice from Slate
I’m a 33 year old woman who has just returned to the dating scene after a decade of marriage. I met a guy on Tinder and we hit it off immediately: we both agreed that we weren’t looking for commitment or monogamy, but would enjoy something ongoing and with a level of camaraderie beyond the typical friends with benefits. We ended up texting all day, every day for several days before meeting up at a bar near his house. Having avoided sexy talk during the week, we both knew what was likely to happen and had talked about protection earlier. I mentioned that I was on birth control but preferred to continue using condoms with new partners.
