Care and food are the column of Slate parental advice. Do you have a question for care and food? Submit it here.
Dear care and food,
My wife and I have a 16 month old daughter, “Giovanna”. Recently, we had my very old-school Italian grandmother, and what she did left my wife in shock and I trying to reconstruct things.
Giovanna was late enough to style her hair. In the past few months, he Finally grew up. A few centimeters, but the hair all the same, to the delight of my wife. In the morning after the end of biennonna, I found that Giovanna had been shaved! My wife was out of her. When I asked Biennonna what had happened, she told me that she had removed Giovanna’s hair so that her “real” hair is entering. She said we should have done it some time ago, and that is why Giovanna had been bald for so long. Apparently it is an Italian folk belief. My wife has been practically inconsolable since; My grandmother is honestly disconcerted by her reaction and does not think that she did something wrong. Although I am not happy with what she did, does my wife not react here? It is just hair, and he will grow back.
—Agish choir
Dear hair,
Although I do not find any information on this tradition in Italian cultures in particular, I saw its prevalence in other global cultures. In fact, my detective on the internet discovered a richness of superstitions and traditions surrounding the hair and haircuts of babies. I have also read a variety of ways that today’s parents choose to honor or ignore these traditions. But what I doesn’t See were examples of older family members confirming these traditions without the parents’ consent. (I’m sure it was done before and they are there, but I’m also sure that they are not happy stories!)
I don’t think your wife is reacting excessively. It is shocking to discover that someone changed your child’s appearance, and I would not be surprised if it looked like a visceral violation for your wife. In addition, however, I would be ready to bet that she feels like something precious and sacred – her first haircut – she was stolen. She is upset by a “first” that she will never return; Even when she ends up taking Giovanna for a haircut, she will not have the same meaning that she was supposed to have. And while yes, at a certain level East Just the hair, and the bite of this will be fouched over time, right now, your wife is crying for the loss of a rite that was important to her.
In fact, it may be how you have to explain it to biennonna, if you want to make another attempt. When she became a thug and shaved Giovanna’s head, she first put her traditions without any reflection on the mother’s own customs or beliefs; No one should undermine the important stages in parents’ culture, whatever their intentions.
You can or not convince biennonna, and that’s good. Your main work right now is to understand that, for your wife, it’s more than hair. Parenting is full of small moments which, on the surface, are not huge, but are loaded with meaning and weight. It could have been lost in the immediate benefits of this incident. You and your wife may want to spend some time working on skills in communication with each other. You will need to have the back of the other in the next 18 years, and it can be difficult to do even without involvement of other family members. Take the time to invest in each other and to commit yourself to believe each other when your partner says that something is a big problem, even when you don’t understand it perfectly. It is a superpower that can transform a marriage into a real partnership.
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Dear care and food,
My husband and I have two daughters, “Sam”, who is 4 years old, and “Elissa”, who is 6 years old. Their last thing is to argue endlessly to find out who has obtained more with regard to treats, who arrives first when I give you back, who can choose the activity of the weekend, what to watch on television, etc. I’m starting to lose my head! What is a good way to put an end to this?
– Everything is a competition
Dear competition,
To a certain extent, these kinds of quarrels are normal for the course with the brothers and sisters, so a large part of your mental health must come to control your reactions. Find a technique that helps you keep calm and control. Perhaps it takes a deep inspiration and has three before responding, or consciously reminds you of not enlarging your reaction that it does not need. Although you understand something that works, I think there are at least ways to minimize these triggers.
Regarding treats and treatment sizes, I established a rule that no complaint is authorized. Clearly explain that the groans of the size or reception of treats will completely lead to treats, then firmly hold the consequences. In situations like these, I count on the countdown method described in the book 12, 3, magic– Although it is mainly targeted for years for toddlers, the author notes with precision that this method remains relevant in primary school. In a word, if your child complains of wanting more treats like their sister, you say calmly: “You have the same amount of dessert, stop whining.” She groaned again, and you say calmly: “It’s one.” He persists? “It’s two.” If you arrive at three, you adopt a consequence.
Regarding in turn, you will need a different approach. This situation can be frustrating because you are not always there – and don’t want to be – to play a referee between children. Remember to publish a schedule where everyone can see it: Mondays and Thursdays, Sam chooses what to watch, Tuesdays and Fridays, Elissa can choose, and on Wednesday, they must choose together. This makes the time displayed the mediator, not you! In addition, it provides a predictable system, which many children want. And hey, don’t be afraid to put yourself in rotation too. If children can choose weekend activities, why not mom and dad too? (This is the only way my children watch something new during family cinema evenings last year!)
The common theme of all these tips is the erection of systems that remove the negotiation and conjectures of your shoulders. I hope that when you no longer have to decide if you have made equal desserts or remember who chose the game trip last week, you will have a deeper patience reservoir for other punctual disputes that will inevitably come. Hang on!
—Allison
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