How to is Slate’s sex advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear how to do it,
My girlfriend had a threesome with two of her male friends before we met. She only mentioned it because I had group sex fantasies when we first got together and we talked about it.
I appreciate that it was a good experience for her and that it was one of the steps she took to explore and enjoy her sexuality after a bad relationship ended. I also know they left the door open for rehearsals, but she chose not to. They are a couple and they have both been friendly and respectful to me, and she says her friendship is unchanged. But I feel weird and jealous every time I see them. I’m 32, not 19, so I feel like I should be beyond that. Any advice on how to stop?
—I want to be relaxed
Dear, I want to be relaxed,
Feelings are not logical or particularly controllable. What demonstrates maturity are the actions you choose to take. It will be helpful to think about what exactly seems “weird” to you and why you are jealous. When you have some quiet time to yourself, think about those times and ask yourself questions. Is there something I’m missing? Something I judge based on what my girlfriend did? Something I judge based on my own desires? Take your questions further, but I hope this helps you get started. Understanding our feelings makes them easier to manage and even dissipate. If part of what you’re feeling is insecurity, you can talk to your girlfriend about it, who will hopefully reassure you.
The other tactic I would adopt is to work on mindfulness. Turning our minds to something we want to focus on (the present moment, the relationship you have) tends to work much better than trying to ignore something. Part of what you’re probably experiencing is the “don’t think about pink elephants” problem: the more you try to suppress thoughts, the bigger they will become.
If you’ve tried both of my recommendations and are still stuck, a conversation with a truly insightful friend or therapist would be a good next step.
Please keep questions short (
Dear how to do it,
I am a woman in my sixties who has just divorced. I haven’t been with someone new in over 20 years and I struggle with my body image, especially since I’ve lost a lot of weight and have a lot of loose skin. Not to mention veins, scars, sagging areas and much more. How the hell do I have sex with someone new? I really want to go out, I desperately need sex and intimacy (it’s been years), but I’ve always hated my body and I don’t know how to get over it.
—Why would anyone want me?
Dear Why,
Men in your age group will also have loose skin, veins, scars, sagging areas and much more. Some will be in the same situation as you – dating for the first time in decades – and others may also be struggling with their own body image. So you’re not as alone as you might think.
That said, people can be cruel sometimes, and it’s much easier to let go of a nasty comment when we have confidence in ourselves. I want you to make two lists. First write down everything you can appreciate about your body: what it does for you, the pleasure it can give you, the way it moves in your mind, everything you can think of . If there’s something superficial on the list, like maybe your eyes, that’s fine, but it’s okay if there’s nothing cosmetic to list. For your second list, take note of everything you contribute about who you are. Are you smart? Kind? Wise? Funny? List everything. Then, once a day, read these two lists aloud. Say, for example: “I have big eyes. I’m nice. I’m funny. If new things you like about yourself come up, put them on the list. When you’re ready, start doing this in front of the mirror. Get to the point where, when you look at your body, you see past the things you don’t like and can focus on the parts of yourself that you do enjoy.
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Dear how to do it,
I (woman) sometimes find penetrative sex painful. It’s a dull but quite intense pain when my male partner pushes forward: I think he hits my cervix. I’m a petite woman and he has an 8 inch penis. The only really comfortable position for me is to be on top and leaning forward, but I can’t move very well, because of how spread my legs are. What positions lead to shallower penetration, or is there a way for him to aim in front of my cervix instead?
—Anatomy lesson needed
Dear anatomy lesson,
This one is a pretty simple solution. The first is the OhNut, which acts as a plug and prevents the last 1 to 4 inches of his penis from entering your vagina. I road tested it myself with more than one partner. The other thing you can do is place his penis in the anterior fornix (the place in front of your cervix) and then do more of a back and forth motion than an up and down thrust. Third, in missionary or spooning, he may try to slide down the front wall of your vagina. I hope one or more of these tips will do the trick for you.
—Jessica
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