My friend helped me when I was at the bottom. Now I want the ghost.

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Dear caution,

I have been a friend with “Sarah” for more than a decade, but in the past year, I don’t like spending time with her anymore. We were at our closest when I had a lot of mental health problems and I needed constant validation and support. I think she liked to be necessary. After good therapy, I no longer need this type of validation and I feel uncomfortable with the amount of details that she expects to know about my life.

Without the mins of my life to speak, we do not seem to have much in common. Our conversation generally turns to talk about our other common friends, which also makes me uncomfortable because I know that she does the same with me. I can’t help but feel guilty about “abandoning her now that I don’t need her”, but I feel stressed every time we hang out. I tried to slowly delete friendship when I saw it less, but she continues to hit me, and I feel weird ignore her completely. Am I wrong to throw a long friendship? Should I let her read, or should I explicitly ask for space? Without making plans to see each other, we wouldn’t run up for long.

– deviating

Dear to grow,

Before leaving Sarah reading or telling her that you need space, ask her how she is. Ask if she is still playing pickleball and if she likes it. Ask if this colleague she mentioned has always made strange faces during zoom meetings. Ask if she can recommend good documentaries on true crime, which she thinks that Beyoncé’s next album will be like, and if she wants to come with you to return something to Sephora and help you choose a new foundation. Take the reins of the conversation and talk about things that do not involve the details of your life or criticize your friends, and see if you appreciate it more. She could have interesting things to say! And if your relationship has been mainly defined by its survey on your deepest and darkest feelings, it is not surprising that you did not hear them.

I have already been in your place, really dreading the conversations I had with a particular person. It was a revelation when it struck me that I didn’t just have to sit there and let them decide what we are talking about. Instead, I could get ahead of their predictable and boring content by shaping the exchange in something I wanted to have. You might be happy to achieve, as I was, that your friend is not really attached to the types of talks that you normally have. Maybe it works out of habit or has no other ideas.

But, if you notice that you still don’t really like him or that you don’t have much in common, the courageous thing to do would be to tell him that you are less enthusiastic than before to share the details of your life and chat about friends, and that you also feel that you have been able to separate. You can combine this with thank her for all the ways she is there for you and showed me interest in your life. Tell her that even if you want to take up space, you would always present yourself for her if she needs you.

Dear caution,

I lost my girlfriend because of anorexia when we were 23 years old. She really fought to beat him, but it was too much for her at the end. Passing through that opened my eyes to the ease with which it is disorderly to pass themselves as being “concerned with their health”.

Now that I have thirty, I have seen a lot of guys my age become really obsessed with diets and weight. Most of the time, I try to ignore it, but I worry about my friend “James”. A few years ago, he started this super strict diet, and it seems to be more extreme over time. He talks a lot about “toxins”, and he has the impression that he always changes what he eats or does, but never explains why. I also see how he started working differently. It is much more focused on this one than before – and not in the right direction.

I do not know if it is my place to say anything, but I fear that it would slip into unhealthy habits. Everyone rents him just for being “cut” at 32, but I think it’s going too far. I don’t know if he sees it, and I don’t want him to finish like my ex.

-Concerned

Dear worried,

I am really sorry for your loss, and I can understand perfectly why you would be vigilant in search of your friends, hoping that you never lose another person you love. This could facilitate your mind a little to remind you that, unfortunately, many people experience disorderly relationships with food and exercise, and even if it is certainly very dangerous, it does not always end with a tragedy. But if your evaluation of James’ escalation in the obsession with his diet and his body is correct, you are still right to worry and share it with him.

Does he know about your story? If this is the case, I hope he would understand – even if he does not change his behavior in response – on your concerns. The key here will be to be completely transparent, just as you were in your letter, explaining that you know that it is not your place to examine its eating and exercise habits. Then, explain that you have increased sensitivity to the way restrictive practices can be a spiral and worry about him. To avoid offensive or make it become defensive, you want to make sure to include the sentences, “I could be totally out of the basis”, “I hope it is not boring” and “I really care about you”.

I must warn you that he has this diet approach and exercise for a reason, whether in good health or unhealthy. Something about the restriction, the appearance of his body, or the fantasy of the way his body will look like if he has changed only one thing that probably makes him feel how he wants to feel right now, or help him avoid the feelings he does not want to feel. It is a powerful force. In addition, the culture of the diet is so widespread and normalized that even if it really does too much, it can easily say that he just takes care of his body. Thus, your mini-intervention may not change its behavior. But one day in the future, it could be one of the many things that inspires him to reassess what he does. In addition, if you bother you, there is something to say to be honest and open with friends.

More importantly, if his lifestyle is his way of managing painful feelings or feeling unworthy of his current body, it would be good for him to hear that someone is careful and wants him to be good. It is precious even if it does not immediately take one day of rest and does not eat carbohydrates.

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Dear caution,

Six years ago, my sister died unexpectedly. She left a large part of her succession to my two nephews and “Maya”, the daughter of her best friend, “Josie”. I have control of the trust and it stipulates that money should be used for educational purposes. This is not a problem since my nephews are both collegial age, but Maya is still in primary school. Tragically, Josie died last year. I went to the funeral, but I only had sporadic contacts with the family until recently. Josie’s widower called me more and more on Maya’s money.

He went from plausible (pay for dance lessons) impossible (his day camp will only accept money, and he will give them). The last conversation made him threaten me. It left me very shaken and I wonder what to do then. I love it and I miss my sister, but I have never been close to Josie or Maya. I really don’t want to face this for the next decade. Is it wrong to simply empty the portion of Maya in a plan 529 and to end with? Confidence allows me to do so.

– does not want to treat

Dear does not want to treat,

Throw it! But check with a lawyer / financial planner of the trust to hammer the details. I fear that plan 529 will not provide you with the infallible relief of never interfaced with this man you are looking for. You will want to ask a professional what are your options to deal with this difficult widower and to protect Maya’s money, while simultaneously giving you the peace of mind you want and need.

CLASSIC PRODIES

My mother died four years ago at the age of 80. My father was devastated. About two years ago, Papa met a woman who also lost a partner and they started going out together. They made themselves very happy, and my brothers and sisters and I were all happy to see him manage well. We do not know very well “Molly”, but it seems charming. Dad sold the family home six months ago and moved in with her. He also revised his will. He is 88 years old and Molly is 83 years old. She has two children, has her house and lives comfortably. Dad shared that he left a third of his succession of $ 200,000 in Molly, the remaining two -thirds to divide three children between us.