DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a huge argument with one of my best friends.
We hadn’t spoken in about three months until the other day when we got together to talk. We shed a lot of tears and talked about what happened between us, but we couldn’t find a solution.
I came away feeling like I was being blamed for something that I don’t think was my fault.
I’ve already forgiven my friend for being what I thought was mean and insensitive to me during a tender time, but I’m not sure what to do next. I want us to be close again, but I’m having a hard time getting over the way she spoke to me with so much judgment when I was going through a tough time.
What do you recommend?
– Hurt
DEAR INJURED: It seems like you value your friendship more than grudges. If this is the case, you need to search your soul for the deepest level of forgiveness you can find.
You need to be able to forgive your friend for the things that hurt you. It means accepting it, flaws and all.
This also means you need to protect yourself. When you feel vulnerable or tender, don’t go to her for comfort. Maybe she doesn’t have the ability to come up with that. Find another shoulder to cry on, or you might find yourself licking your wounds again. Rebuilding that friendship can take time.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just had a heart-to-heart with my husband about our marriage, something I’ve been begging for for years.
It was hard to listen to all his complaints, but I did it. I think he listened to me a little better than in normal conversations.
We’ve been at an impasse in our relationship for a long time, practically retreating to our own corners of our house, barely speaking to each other when it’s just the two of us.
We sometimes have fun and put on a good face when we spend time with other people, but most of the time we exist more than we live. We are certainly not happy.
I’ve been asking him to go to counseling for years. He still refuses.
What worries me is that we normally argue. In our heart-to-heart talks that day, we were mostly civil, but without professional intervention, I don’t know how we manage to overcome our difficulties.
— On the battlefield
DEAR ON THE BATTLEFIELD: What if you benefited from advice for yourself? You can’t make your husband do anything, but if you don’t have the tools to communicate better with your husband on your own, a therapist may be able to help you find the words.
A mental health professional can guide you on a tour of self-discovery – your wants, needs, challenges and desires. You can better understand how your behavior impacts your life and his, how to identify your triggers, and how to use tools to manage your emotions and interactions with your husband.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative aimed at helping people access and achieve their dreams. You can send questions to Askharriette@harriettecole.com or to Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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