DEAR ABBY: I am the 18 year old daughter (and third child) of parents who are divorcing after 36 years together. I need your opinion on this because I’m not sure.
My father has always craved physical love and affection, while my mother is more like a cat who prefers separation and independence. Even with these differences, things were going well between them. That was until Mom decided she wanted to stop having sex because of her age and she didn’t enjoy it anymore. (She also stopped drinking, which he didn’t like.)
My father was very upset about this and claimed it was abuse if she didn’t have sex with him because “that’s how people show their love.” He also said she should “be more fun” while drinking with him. Mom tried to keep the family peaceful and be the person he wanted them to be for a few years, but ultimately decided she couldn’t do it anymore. It evolved very quickly: my father is already with another woman, even if he and mom are not yet officially divorced.
I always took my mother’s side, but it significantly damaged my relationship with Dad. He pretends I I am part of the reason the divorce is happening, since I “make her feel like what she is doing is OK.” Should I also see his point of view? — TEENAGE DIVORCE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TEENS: That your father dragged you into the marital difficulties between him and your mother is appalling. I believe this is a form of child abuse. The person whose perspective you should seek – and I don’t say this lightly – is a licensed psychotherapist, to discuss this whole issue. You are NOT the reason your parents divorced. Their fundamental incompatibility and your father’s manipulative nature are the reasons. Please talk to your doctor about a referral NOW.
DEAR ABBY: Nine months ago I started dating an older man. I have known him for 14 years. We live several hundred miles apart. He recently lost both his parents. We used to talk and/or text all day. Now I only hear from him if I contact him. He says I need to give him time to deal with his loss. As a partner, I feel like he has excluded me. Every time I mention my feelings he says I’m acting out. I don’t know whether to walk away or hold on. Please advise. — CLOSED IN TEXAS
DEAR EXCLUSIVE: This man is absolutely right. He NEEDS time to process the loss of his parents. This may seem humorous to you, but I couldn’t be more serious: regardless of age, your friend is now an orphan.
You cannot improve the situation. He was clear about this. Stop trying to insert yourself and let him find his balance. Tell him you are there for him IF he needs you. Call both weeks to monitor him, but not more often. If what you have together is good, over time things might improve for both of you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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