dear Amy: I recently attended a professional conference. The participants from my company were the president, the CEO, a colleague and myself.
The president and CEO invited me and my colleague to dinner.
At these large conventions, it is rare to be able to sit down for more than 20 minutes and eat a balanced meal. This made dinner really enjoyable for us and I enjoyed it.
Before ordering, the conversation turned to, “What are you going to have?”
When I stated that I wanted the chicken soup, I was reprimanded by my colleague who exclaimed, “These people are vegetarians!” (signaling to the president and general manager). This was not stated discreetly.
Was I wrong to order the meal I wanted that would last me for the five hours of events after dinner?
Do my dietary restrictions and concerns take a back seat when the boss foots the bill?
– Need protein to function
Dear need for protein: Your colleague took the opportunity to demonstrate an advanced level of personal knowledge of your bosses, in order to curry (excuse the pun) with these professional superiors.
Flaunting this knowledge is professionally risky – and rude.
By bringing you to this conference, the people who run your company have given you and your colleagues the opportunity to represent the organization in a positive and responsible manner. Loudly scolding another person at dinner is antisocial.
Your colleague’s rudeness made you feel uncomfortable. This behavior also highlighted a food choice that some people might consider personal, which could make them uncomfortable.
I hope your bosses have responded to this by letting you know that they have no problem with you regarding your own choices.
Your coworker’s efforts to shame you are extremely unappetizing.
dear Amy: My closest friend from college is getting married in the fall. He asked me to be his witness.
The problem is that I don’t want to.
The main problem is that this marriage is already shaping up to be very long and expensive. I graduated from law school, I’m working and studying for the bar exam, and I can’t imagine being able to fully commit to it.
In addition to the wedding, he wants me to have a three-day bachelor party, either in Las Vegas or Wyoming (for fly fishing).
The wedding itself will be a three-day event, including travel, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding and a brunch the following day.
Just thinking about it exhausts me.
Is there a good way to say “no” to this without insulting my friend or damaging the friendship?
– Not the Best Best man
Dear, not the best man: Bridezillas and Frankengrooms, take note!
Overall, culturally, I wonder when married couples will realize that their attendants have reached the breaking point.
In the past, this issue was mostly limited to the bride and her attendants (or maybe they just talked about it more). I have noticed an increase in concerns like yours expressed by men who feel the social, personal and economic pressure of being an attendant.
Your best friend’s wedding is several months away. Tell him right away that you can’t do that.
Start this difficult conversation by telling him how honored you are, but tell him, quite honestly, that you don’t have the bandwidth to take on organizational tasks.
Are you available and interested in becoming a groomsman? If so, let him know, but emphasize that you realize the decision is his and that you will feel honored to attend the wedding as a guest.
You could offer to include his grandmother as your “plus one” and prepare and give a toast, if he wishes.
dear Amy: “Engaged and worried” wrote that her fiancé didn’t ask his much younger brother to be at their wedding. Your answer was relevant!
I, too, had a brother 12 years younger, and left for college and military service when he was only 6 years old. Even though he meant a lot to me, the vast difference in age and outlook was still too great to completely erase.
This remains a major source of regret.
Still, he played an important role in my marriage, a decision that takes on even more importance now that he’s gone.
He died of AIDS in his thirties and left a void in my life.
Jim, I still miss you and always will love you.
– Beloved brother
Dear beloved brother: So much for Jim. RIP, dear brother.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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