Dear Eric:My brother’s son, “Dan”, has chosen to completely cut his father out of his life. He has refused any form of contact for over a year.
My brother, who has no idea why Dan disengaged without explanation, continues to try to make contact through our usual forms of communication, but to no avail.
How can a family approach this conundrum? We are baffled and deeply saddened by this turn of events.
What message does Dan send to his two sons, my brother’s grandsons?
– Aunt dismayed
Dear aunt: I’m sorry you’re going through this. Estrangement is devastating. It weakens the foundations of a family. And for an extended family, it can be desperately confusing.
I know your brother says it came out of nowhere, but I wish we had more information from him about what exactly that “nowhere” looked like before Dan cut off all contact.
Often, separated parents are willfully or accidentally blind to the events that precipitated the separation. It’s hard to say what a healthy path forward is without knowing more about Dan and your brother’s relationship.
If Dan is willing to talk to you, you should contact him. Don’t try to pressure your brother, just ask Dan to share his perspective with you. See if he’s open to a relationship with you.
Family members are not required to be judge and jury in disputes of this type. In fact, it is best that you do not make a decision.
There’s something that has hurt Dan so much that his only recourse, he feels, is to cut off all contact with his father. See if he’s open to a helping hand and a listening ear.
Dear Eric:Throughout my childhood, my cousin always had to invite her friend to participate in family events.
Forty years later, my cousin moved back in after being widowed. Guess who’s back doing everything?
This friend is a lovely person. I have no problem with her. It’s just that sometimes we want it to be just family. How do we approach this topic?
– Perplexed cousin
Dear cousin:Where I’m from, people talked about having “play cousins” – people who weren’t really related to you, but who you were often expected to hang out with because your parents were friends, or whatever.
I think you have a cousin who plays.
And your blood relative, your cousin, may consider her friend as family. She may care about her as if they were related.
It is also possible that they have a deeper relationship.
Ask your cousin to talk about your friendship without judgment. Ask her if she feels closer to family. Depending on what your cousin says, you may just need to set a different place at the table.
Dear Eric:I am a 65 year old widow with two sons in their twenties. No partners or grandchildren, and that suits me because they are still young and mature.
One lives too far away for me to see him more than twice a year. The other lives close enough that I can have dinner with him once a week. I try not to be too demanding and give them space, but I feel lonely and sad that they don’t call me more often.
I think they just live their lives and don’t think about me, which is probably what I did to my parents when I was their age.
Am I expecting too much?
I tend to take it personally and think they don’t like me, which seems absurd to me. When I talk to them, there is no conflict or problem that would discourage them from contacting me again.
Would it be wrong for me to tell them that I’m lonely and would like to hear from them more often?
FYI, I’m trying to expand my social circle and do things that interest me, but I’m starting to get tired of doing things alone and it takes me a long time to make new close friends. I can’t help but think that if I had a daughter, things would be different.
– Lonely mom
Dear Mom: Tell your sons how you feel! Healthy communication can be a real gift. Tell them what they can do to help. That’s a gift too.
They may have busy lives, but you are part of that life too.
Sometimes in relationships it’s hard to carry the burden of standing up for yourself. But I think your sons would be saddened to hear that you had this pain and didn’t seek help.
Try to set up a regular phone call with each of them, this will give you all something to look forward to. Plus, knowing that you’ll be chatting – and that you’ll want to have something to talk about – might also give you an extra boost in your efforts to find things that interest you.
Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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