dear Amy: My good friend from college “Clara” is getting married next month.
Clara has several bridesmaids. We’re all pretty close.
Her maid of honor “Sara” has an older sister, “Anne,” and back when we were at college, we would occasionally socialize with Anne. We consider her a friend.
Anne was invited to the wedding with a plus one, but she can’t attend and she said “no.”
Sara’s brother, “Brett”, had expressed his desire to attend the wedding. To be clear, he was not never invited.
Now, Brett apparently took advantage of Anne’s declined invitation, accessed the wedding website and said “yes” for him and a plus-one!
I am shocked on the part of Clara, who has been meticulously preparing this wedding for two years! She is gentle, kind and non-confrontational. And now she’s faced with this incredibly tricky dilemma.
Allowing Brett to help himself and a loved one to the wedding is out of the question.
My question is: who is responsible for blaming him? Clara, since she’s the one in charge of the guest list? Sara, who has already spoken to her brother, but probably doesn’t know that he went so far as to confirm her presence? Me, because of the three of us, I have the least problems with confrontation?
Please weigh! I need to know the most appropriate way to report this wedding planner.
– The executioner?
Dear Executor: Finalizing the guest list is the bride’s job. Watching over her younger brother is Sara’s job. Enforcing could be your job. I’ll do the rest.
I think the best way to approach this would be to react as if Brett was trolling and referred to himself as Vince Vaughn’s character in this particular movie.
The bride should check the RSVP list online, and if it shows that Anne has responded “yes” despite her stated inability to attend, Clara should confirm with Anne that she will do so. not be at the wedding and ask if it’s possible that his brother filled out his RSVP.
If Anne confirms that Brett did this, the bride should inform Sara and confirm that Brett was not invited to the wedding.
You might be helpful by helping the bride write a simple message to Brett that is direct, polite and firm. I suggest something like: “Hey Brett, I understand you invited yourself and a guest to my wedding!” I guess you’re just trying to play a joke on us (haha!), but if you’re serious about this, I have to remind you that anyone not invited will be asked to leave before the ceremony.
You and one of the groom’s ushers should volunteer to watch for this uninvited guest and escort him quietly if he shows up.
dear Amy: Lately you have published several letters from women who have been married a long time but are so unhappy that they are considering leaving the marriage.
I was 70 years old and married for 48 years when my husband and I separated.
At my insistence, we saw a couples counselor. When it became clear that my husband was not interested in saving the marriage, we separated.
We were married for over 52 years when we finally divorced in 2019.
I stayed in this marriage because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it financially, but I did. I have learned so much since the divorce and I don’t regret my decision for a second.
It’s not the solution for everyone, and I’m not advocating separation or divorce, but I would like to encourage any woman who is unhappy in her marriage to look for a way to improve it. If that doesn’t work, remember that you may be stronger than you think.
– Was there
Dear, I’ve been there: You are part of a growing trend known as “gray divorce.”
Divorce at your age comes with many serious consequences, but I agree that most of us are stronger than we think.
dear Amy: “Hanging Up” is about a grumpy old fool who thinks his stepdaughter’s frequent video calls are intrusive. You agree with him! Your advice was terrible. He obviously feels no connection with this family.
– Upset
Dear Upset: I made several suggestions for how the older couple could help the estranged daughter-in-law overcome her loneliness, including the idea that they should make a few calls to her.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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