Growing up, I did not understand the weight of the sacrifices my mother made for our family. She worked full time as a programmer in the 80s and 90s, an era when women were still rare in the industry. She did everything while raising my sister and I, taking care of my chronic father and finally sick in final phase, and even taking care of her mother-in-law. She moved to the United States of India in 1984 and juggled all these responsibilities while sailing in a culture and a country that were not hers.
My father sailed on complex physical and mental health difficulties until he died at the age of 20. The years preceding his death have been filled with visits to the hospital, appointment with the doctor and treatment, and my mother was a constant and firm presence in all of this.
At the time, I did not fully understand the depth of her sacrifices, the quantity of reflection in the decisions she has taken or the limits she has set in all areas of her life. But now, as a parent raising two autistic children and sailing on my own late autism, I realize how much I learned just looking at her.
She worked hard to build a lasting life
One of the most important things I learned from my mother was how to prioritize what really matters, even if it did not align on the career path or conventional societal expectations. She always worked – often doing the impossible – but she never let her occur at the expense of our family.
She deliberately chose promotions and career progress because she knew that a more important role meant less time at home. She chose the flexibility of prestige, the security of ambition.
In the years preceding the death of my father, she managed to obtain a job that allowed her to work four days of 10 hours instead of a traditional five -day work week. This arrangement gave her the time she needed to bring my father to chemotherapy appointments and medical visits. For all those who look from the outside, it may have seemed to be a step back in his career, but for our family, that was all.
At the time, I did not appreciate or understood his choices. I have not seen how much she sacrificed her career and her personal ambition. But looking back now, I understand how intentional and significant these decisions were.
His example shapes the way I am a parent today
When my children received a diagnosis of autism, and later, when I received my own diagnosis, I found myself shooting my mother’s example. She showed me that the service provision is not only to be there in crisis, it is a question of creating a life that makes room for care in the first place.
I had to make similar choices. I refused employment opportunities that offered more money and responsibilities, but I required more of my time than I could lastly. Like my mom, I structured my days to leave space for the most important thing: my family. I learned to make fewer commitments in my community, to prioritize the mental and emotional health of everyone in our family and to build a life that does not exhaust all the people involved.
A huge difference today is that I have more options than it. Flexible technology and working environments have opened up remote work, family leave and a better balance between professional and private life. But the basic challenge remains the same: how to build a life that works for your family, even when it does not follow the traditional script.
Success seems different now
For so long, I thought that success was to climb the business ladder – on promotions, greater wages and external validation. But my mother showed me that success is not always like that.
Success consists in making decisions that align with your values and your needs, even if they do not make sense on paper. These are sustainability, flexibility and guarantee that the provision of care is not only something that you draw into the cracking of your day.
I understand that the sacrifices that my mother made was not only a question of survival, they aimed to create a life that worked for our family.
And that’s exactly the kind of life I try to create for mine.
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