DEAR ABBY: I’ve been dating “Gary” for six years, but he’s never proposed to me. I am very independent. My husband passed away when my children were little and I had to raise them and keep a roof over our heads, which made me even more independent. In fact, there are times when I don’t even think I want to get married again.
Gary and I love each other. We get along well and do a lot of things together. I know we are lucky to have each other in our lives, but there are times when I feel like breaking up our relationship because he didn’t ask me for a commitment, and I still want to find someone who wants to commit to me. Even though Gary says he’s engaged, I know that being engaged isn’t a magic bullet either. I was once engaged.
I tried to break up with Gary, but he never takes me seriously. I felt this way for most of our relationship. I’m a counselor, so I know the typical recommendations like getting therapy. Should I stay or should I go? Trying to go there hasn’t worked in the past. I need advice. — TO MARRY OR NOT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TO GET MARRIED OR NOT: It’s time to have a frank discussion with Gary about your feelings. Tell him that after six years you need a commitment from him, and what exactly does this entail. If you do this, it can help you clarify in your mind what you need and what you think is missing. I don’t think you need therapy to understand this – you just need to be honest with yourself.
DEAR ABBY: My husband died of COVID in 2021. A year later, after I was able to safely socialize, I hosted a memorial dinner to commemorate him. None of my seven local brothers and sisters were there. They said: “It was for her family.” I didn’t argue or try to convince them that I needed them. It was terribly embarrassing when my friends and my husband’s friends kept asking to meet my siblings.
It’s been two years since the service and three years since his death, and I can’t get over feeling abandoned. Although I am cordial, I don’t count on any of them. No one seems to notice my withdrawal – at least they don’t discuss the change in behavior with me. I guess I have to “get over it,” but I can’t. — SO DISAPPOINTED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR SO DISAPPOINTED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. It must have been a terrible shock. Your siblings were either completely uncaring or maybe they didn’t like your husband. For them to avoid his memorial rather than attend and support him must have been painful, and your reaction is understandable.
Healthy people don’t “get over” being abandoned in their time of need. I’m not saying it’s okay to harbor a grudge that would further isolate you, but stepping back seems to have been a wise and protective decision.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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