Is it wrong to react when a child insults me?

DEAR MISS MANNERS:I’m wondering how to address my 10 year old granddaughter when she says things that are not nice to me.

She has a habit of putting her younger brother down (saying he’s stupid, lazy, fat, etc.), which I’ve reprimanded her for.

We’ve always had a great relationship, but I notice she’s making comments like this now, especially about my innate physical characteristics. (She comes from a family of very beautiful people, and I’m not particularly attractive.)

I’m hesitant to give her the power to know she can hurt me, but I’m not sure how to handle this passive-aggressive behavior. Any suggestions?

LOVED READER:Yes, two. First, that you recognize that this behavior is aggressive-aggressive, not passive-aggressive. And second, that you dissuade yourself from the idea that the power belongs to her if she knows she can hurt you.

Miss Manners hopes that at 10, this child is not beyond learning empathy – or at least the consequences of harmful relationships. As a grandmother, you have the right to tell her that it is hurtful and that insulting people is not acceptable.

You can add that others – for example his friends – may not give him the second chance that you will give him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS:We have friends who live eight hours away from us and they have been asking us to come visit them for a few years.

A few weeks ago we made the trip to see them and spent two nights there.

Both mornings they went to bed very late, waking up after 10 a.m. We got up and made coffee, and that was it for breakfast. One night we took them out to dinner, and the next night they ordered pizza and handed out flimsy paper plates.

We left the next morning, after making coffee again. They got out of bed to say goodbye. We stopped at a fast food restaurant to eat.

I found it disrespectful of them that they didn’t deserve to get up at a reasonable hour, maybe cook something, and use something other than paper plates. They are both inveterate quibblers.

We are considering not making the effort to see them in the future. Am I being too demanding and snobbish, or do I have too many expectations?

LOVED READER:It’s a very different thing to live with someone — even temporarily — than to simply know them socially.

Your friends have a routine at home that doesn’t meet your expectations, and while that doesn’t make them good hosts, it doesn’t necessarily make them bad companions.

Miss Manners suggests limiting your friendship to late-night visits. Unless, of course, you want to play host next time and show them how it’s done. Just be prepared for them to sleep through your homemade breakfast served on china plates.

DEAR MISS MANNERS:Is it mandatory to bring a gift to an engagement party when a gift list is not included in the invitation?

LOVED READER:It’s not even a requirement when that’s the case.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.