I’m ready to hit it, and I need a plan
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DEAR ABBY: I have a sister-in-law whom no one in my husband’s family loves.
She’s rude and insulting and acts like she’s better than everyone else. She feels she has the right to have family members watch over her children so she can do whatever she wants. (If you refuse, she drops the children at the door.)
If someone confronts her about her bad behavior, she claims she suffers from anxiety and depression to make the person feel guilty. I’m not saying she doesn’t have these mental health issues, but I believe she uses them to manipulate others.
My mother-in-law keeps saying to “turn the other cheek”, but I can’t anymore, especially when it comes to her insults.
I know many family members will side with her out of sympathy, but I can no longer sit back and accept her verbally abusing me and others without any consequences.
I know I need a plan so I don’t lose my temper and say something I’ll regret, but I don’t know how to respond respectfully. Ideas?
DON’T LIKE CONFLICTS IN KENTUCKY
EXPENSIVE IS NOT: Don’t do anything without first telling your in-laws that you’ve reached your limit.
The next time your sister-in-law is rude and insulting, calmly say, “I don’t deserve to be talked to like that. That’s all for me. I’m leaving.” So do it. Your husband should support you on this.
And while you’re at it, ask her and her family to determine if her children are at risk and act accordingly. Throwing your children out on someone’s door seems like child abandonment to me.
DEAR ABBY: I tell myself every year that I will not do this again, but I do.
My husband was previously married and had a daughter who now has two daughters of her own. She always had the idea that she was somehow private. I assure you she was not. Her maternal grandparents thought she hung the moon and showered her with everything.
When her mother remarried, she insisted that my husband allow the new husband to adopt the girl.
Contact with my husband was restored when the daughter came of age. I do my best to recognize holidays, birthdays, etc., for her and her children. The problem for me is that there is never any reciprocity, and I’m sick of it.
We have a cordial relationship and see them frequently. It’s like she thinks we owe her something.
I am the doer; my husband doesn’t care. How can I complete the cycle?
To add to that, my own nephew is the same way. Not a word of thanks unless he was forced to.
I guess my own feelings are the problem. I want to maintain cordial relations, but I feel like it’s a one-way street.
LUCKY IN NEW YORK
DEAR TO ODDS: Your daughter-in-law and your nephew are adults. I suggest you have a mature conversation with both of them and tell them how you feel – that you want to maintain a cordial relationship, but it seems like a one-way street. Then turn the other cheek once more and, if he doesn’t respond, end the cycle. See them often and be cordial. Period.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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