How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear how to do it,
I’m a 41 year old poly man, married for 20 years to a largely monogamous bisexual woman (she’s OK with the concept of poly but didn’t choose to commit after our trial many years ago), and with a second partner who I have known as long as my wife, but with whom I only engage in sexual behavior every few years due to geography (the wife knows the other partner and has given consent). The last time or two I was with partner #2, I noticed that my performance in bed was… legendary? It may be too much, but it’s certainly very good: excellent endurance, good control and I seem to last for hours.
However, for a long time now, with my wife, my performance has been lackluster at best, where I seem to only last a few minutes (if that!) once we get into PIV. One thing that seems relevant is that on the rare occasions when my wife offers oral, I also seem to last forever.
I tried searching for information on the issue but was unsuccessful and thought you might have some insight. I think it’s pretty rare for someone in my situation to talk about this kind of thing.
—Confused Dude Poly
Dear Poly Dude Confused,
I suspect the sheer novelty of sex with partner #2, who you rarely see compared to your wife, invigorates you and that comes through in your performance. You’ve probably heard of the Coolidge effect (named after a joke told by President Calvin Coolidge), which describes how the introduction of new sexual partners can refresh interest in sex. This may explain why some men report the possibility of coming to a sex party multiple times while the average night at home means one and that’s it. It may also explain how well you react to your intermittent partner.
It can also simply be a matter of the ineffable quality of sexual chemistry you have with both your partners. Sometimes our bodies react to different people for reasons we can’t explain. It works. I’m not poly, but I’ve noticed something similar in sex with multiple partners. Different guys bring something to me. Sometimes the reason is obvious: certain traits they possess make our special connection obvious (like a dom guy I go for exclusively). In other cases, our connection goes beyond words/reason. It’s just. It’s simply about how our bodies work together and how we excite each other and, in turn, want to express that energy.
Are you as stimulated by your wife as by partner 2? There’s a way of reading this situation that suggests you are: could it be that she’s so intimately aware of your body that she knows how to make you cum quickly? You describe your performance as negative, but there are few compliments as clear as “You just made me cum so quickly.” If not, you may want to look for ways to spice things up: games, toys, role play, etc. Is she bothered by your relatively fast PIV performance? I’ve heard anecdotal reports that PDE5 inhibitors (like Viagra and Cialis) help men last longer, and there are still other avenues to try if that worries you. Some doctors recommend a low dose of SSRI to help. premature ejaculation. It is also worth considering whether your wife is sufficiently stimulated by you/your sex life. Ask if there is anything you can do to expand your menu. If sex with partner 2 is so good because of the chemistry you have with her (perhaps because of the distance and infrequency of your sex, which makes it so explosive when it happens Finally), consider fostering a similar feedback loop with your wife.
Typically, when we notice circumstantial differences like the one you describe (or as in the case of a man who has very hard erections on his own but has difficulty maintaining the rhythm with a partner), we attribute the problem to something psychologically rooted. Some introspection can help you discover why your performance varies so much between partners.
Dear how to do it,
How often is it typical for a man to ejaculate? I know the standard answer is that it depends and everyone is different, but it’s a question I’ve asked myself for decades. As a teenager, once every 24 hours was excessive. Now, in my 50s, it’s about once a week with a good (or even great) orgasm.
I’m very healthy (based on diet, exercise, and blood tests), I’m fertile, and I don’t even have negative feelings about sex. I’m in a stable, emotionally healthy, loving relationship, and I think my wife is sexy after three decades of marriage. I’ve seen a urologist (so no health concerns), testosterone levels are normal and I have no trouble getting an erection. Life is beautiful.
But boy, would a few more orgasms be fun. And I just wish the mystery was solved: are there men who can ejaculate daily (maybe more often) and is it too late for me to be one of them?
PS The recent letter in which you described 36 hours between ejaculations as “delayed ejaculation” really got me thinking. 36 hours for me would be a huge win.
—Orgasms are fun
Dear Orgasms Are Fun,
First, I should clarify that it was not the 36 (to 48) hours between ejaculations that made me suspect that the letter writer’s husband had delayed ejaculation; This is because he doesn’t orgasm easily. (Although it goes without saying, this is just a small reminder that the thoughts of an advice columnist are nothing compared to the opinion of a real doctor.) Delayed ejaculation is one of these problems which is often defined by the distress it causes (says the Mayo Clinic: “In delayed ejaculation, the delay causes upheaval”). One man’s stamina is potentially another man’s delayed ejaculation, depending on his and his partner’s expectations.
Anyway! Yes, there are guys who can ejaculate daily. You read the words of one of them. My ejaculatory frequency is nowhere near that of my teens or even my twenties, and I find that going a day or two without is very helpful in creating a nice buildup that makes sex even more enjoyable, but of course, one a day n It’s not a problem. , and I feel like a lot of my friends are in the same situation. Some days/sex sessions yield more than one. However, that doesn’t mean you’re deficient because you don’t feel the need to come as often. You asked and I answered, but it’s best not to compare. Leads to less despair.
I would like you to include more information about your frequency though. You ejaculate once a week. Are you trying to do more? What does this look like? Start jerking off then stop? What would happen if you jerked off every day? Some data suggests that masturbation temporarily increases testosterone levels. Maybe the more some guys masturbate, the hornier they get. (Of course, abstaining also tends to turn people on.) Either way, if you want to cum more, masturbate more. Even if at first you don’t feel aroused, and even if you don’t ejaculate, self-stimulation can somehow awaken your arousal and allow you to get into it. Also consider having prostate orgasms. If you don’t play with your butt, try it. There are many types of prostate stimulators (Aneros is probably the most trusted brand in this genre of toys) that could help you open up new avenues to pleasure, without the need for an erection. Prostate orgasms do not necessarily lead to ejaculation, and it is possible to have several per session/day. If you’re curious, you can look them up on tube sites to see examples of how they differ from standard penile orgasms/ejaculations.
How to get advice on how to do it
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear how to do it,
What is the “state of the art” for reducing the refractory period? My partner and I have a pretty good sex life after 13, but we are in a time of abundance and I am learning more about his wants and needs.
I’ve always been very happy to spend a lot of time on foreplay with her, both because I enjoy it deeply and because I tend to finish quickly when it comes to penetrative sex. We will often continue doing things with my mouth and hands after I cum, but it’s also clear that she would really like to get fucked more too. Sometimes we get lucky and I get hard again in no time, but that’s not very common.
Are there ways to improve the chances of getting an erection again after ejaculating? Would I potentially consider using a strap-on and a Clone-A-Willy as an alternative option?
— Get up, soldier!
Dear, get up, soldier!,
If there was a guaranteed method to shorten your time between erections, you, your father, his friends, and their uncles would already know about it and probably use it. Some studies have suggested that sildenafil (the active drug in Viagra) may shorten men’s refractory period (although here’s another that didn’t reach such a conclusion). Sildenafil is fairly easy to obtain, and for most people who take it, it has minimal side effects that, in my opinion, are at least worth a try. Go for it.
Otherwise, yes, the strap-on is a good alternative. Clone your willy if you like or you can change things up with another size/shape of dildo. Ask your wife what she would like and if she is interested in this option. You could also change…
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