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Dear how to do it,
I’m (30 F) in a sugar daddy situation and I have complicated feelings about it. I don’t know if I should/want to continue seeing him. Long story short: a few months ago, I signed up for one of these search sites late at night, on a whim.
I’m not entirely sure I did it out of anything other than curiosity. I have enough money, my job pays well, if not great, but I’m certainly not struggling to pay my rent and I certainly don’t need a side hustle. Well, I started chatting with this guy (almost 40, finance guy). Right away, the lines were a little blurry. Perhaps I had a caricatured vision of what being a sugar baby could mean: benefits, cash, affairs, etc. But it wasn’t like that. He was a pretty regular flirt like someone you might meet outside of apps.
When we finally agreed to meet for the first time, he took me to a very lavish dinner and brought me expensive jewelry as a gift. We had sex at his house that night, but no type of “arrangement” was ever considered. And it went on like that for months. He takes me on expensive dates: restaurants, spas, boat days, etc. He gives me gifts and pays for hair and manicure appointments. And we have some kind of situation in return. I don’t hate him! But I’m also very confused by what we’re doing. I haven’t told any of my friends about it because I’m honestly a little embarrassed (he’s not ugly, but the whole thing seems a little gross because of this unspoken transactional thing). And I’m not sure it will ever be a real relationship. I guess I’m wondering if that’s pretty normal for a sugar daddy situation. How should I think about what we have now?
—I imagined it differently
Dear, I imagined it differently,
Sugar daddy relationships can really run the gamut, so it’s hard to place this one on a spectrum of “normal.” They live in a world where dating is often transactional, even without the sugaring framework.
It sounds like you’re feeling a lot of swirling emotions here, so take some time to take them apart and think about them seriously. If there is a friend you can trust, talk to them about it. If you are seeing a therapist, ask them if this is a topic they are comfortable working on with you. Some questions to ask yourself: Why are you upset about this? How would you feel if your friends knew? Why are you embarrassed? What differences do you perceive between this relationship and “a real relationship”? Would you date this man if he didn’t gift you expensive items and experiences? Would you date a man who gifts you with expensive items and experiences but whom you met in a different way?
Remember that you can slow down the relationship or end it altogether while you sort through your feelings and confusion. Protect yourself and your own stability first. You have this.
Dear how to do it,
My partner of three years and I recently moved in with my parents to save for a house and help them as they get older. We used to have sex pretty regularly when we were renting. Now we haven’t had sex in months (and months). I understand that I don’t feel it because of where we live, plus 1) we’ve both gained weight and 2) I suspect we’re both a little depressed/anxious. When asked about it, he says he just doesn’t feel it. Sometimes he masturbates but it’s quite rare. He tells me that he has never loved anyone as much as I do and that we will be together forever, but I have been burned by these kinds of statements in my past relationships. I’m not a naturally “sexy” person, more “cute” than anything else, so I’m not really attractive. Is there anything I can do to get him to have sex or should I just let it happen since we are both going through a lot? I truly love and cherish this man, should I worry that he will lose interest in me in general?
— Worried and excited
Dear Worried and Excited,
The early days of a relationship are marked by what people (especially in the polyamorous scene) often call new relationship energy. It’s that explosion of feelings caused by the cocktail of hormones that happens when we first meet someone and become involved with them. It can take months to slow down, and we’re basically very attached to our relationship at this point. As this fades, we are left (hopefully!) with the compatibility, comfort, and communication we have built. Think back to how you handled this transition in your relationship in the past: Your relationship probably went through a change when you first moved in together. You may remember how you got yourself into a situation back then, which can give you direction on how to move forward as your relationship faces a new (and temporary) phase.
Tell your partner of three years how you feel. Let him know that you are worried about losing his interest. Whether you have unfulfilled sexual desires or are also less interested in sex than when you were both renting, share it. When your partner responds, listen to what they say and believe them. If you feel more desire than your partner currently, ask them if they are willing to be involved when you masturbate.
Continue to log plenty of non-sexual physical contact time, such as snuggling, romantic kissing, and hand-holding. And flirting with each other, whether you’re likely to have sex that night or not, will help you feel close, even if you’re sharing a place with your parents for a while.
Dear how to do it,
I have been with my girlfriend for five years. We’ve always been pretty open with each other about sex. We used to talk about what we liked and didn’t like after sex right from the start and we never hesitated to ask each other about each other’s fantasies etc. But I realize that she’s actually holding back. Recently I was using his phone to search for something and his phone was open to his internet browser’s private tabs. I know I shouldn’t have, but I checked to see if she had any other tabs open on the browser. And she had opened an erotic site, so I checked it out to see what she had read. The story was a serious power play/reluctant consent, which she never once mentioned as something she was interested in. It’s no big deal but it’s weird that I now know this about her interests and she doesn’t know that I know… Should I tell her about it or let her enjoy eroticism in peace?
—Private files
Dear Private Files,
Sometimes people fantasize about, or read about, situations and problems that they don’t actually want to act out on, even in a consensual role-playing scenario. Maybe that’s why your girlfriend hasn’t broached this topic with you. It’s also possible that this was an isolated case or that it contained other elements that were exciting enough for her that she enjoyed the story. despite the themes you mentioned. And it’s also possible that it was a one-off story that really discouraged her.
You won’t know until you talk about it, and while you shouldn’t have snooped – and know that you shouldn’t have – I agree that it’s a strange dynamic for you to have this information without her knowing that you have it. Choose your moment – no distractions, lots of privacy – and lay out the facts. Give her time to react to how you invaded her privacy, then ask her if she’s willing to answer your questions about what she was reading. Good luck.
Dear how to do it,
I’m getting ahead of myself here, but I’m an anxious person, so I’m afraid that having barrier-free sex with my boyfriend will disrupt my pH balance and give me bacterial vaginosis. We’re not there yet. We were both tested recently and I’m researching my birth control options. I have a telehealth appointment soon to discuss this because I don’t like hormonal birth control but I want sex without a condom. But I’ve heard and read so much about sperm shooting things down there. What can I do to avoid this? What would work best? Prevention with probiotics and good health? After sex, do the housework? If he doesn’t cum inside me, will that reduce the risk of BV? I’ve never had BV before and I don’t want to start because I’ve heard it’s hard to get rid of it completely once you have it. I am prone to yeast infections when taking antibiotics and I had my first UTI from said boyfriend and it was miserable. I’m taking cranberry pills now to prevent future ones. If I have to take yet another pill to have sex with this man, I might go back to women.
—At least it’s good sex
Dear, at least it’s good sex,
I’ve heard that you’re very concerned about bacterial vaginosis, but the bigger concern here, if you’re not using hormonal birth control, is pregnancy. So talk to your doctor about your options and express your concerns about BV directly, but don’t let your anxiety cloud your thinking about the real risks here.
Some women are prone to BV and some are not, and certain combinations of people seem to have a…
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