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Dear care and feeding,
I can not. I have known my dear friend “Terry” for many years. He’s a bit like a child in many ways and often entertained my rambunctious twins when he rented to us years ago. They are now in their 20s and still love it. Due to many quirks and a late speech history, I suspect he is on the autism spectrum. He recently got married to “Erin” at age 50. His wife has young granddaughters aged 5 and 3 who adore him and gravitate towards him at family celebrations. He doesn’t know how to set boundaries and doesn’t want to hurt them by walking away. The children climb on him, ask him to carry them and monopolize his time. Their mother, “Annie,” barely dealt with her mental problems, including a postpartum suicide attempt. She is difficult and doesn’t get the support she needs, she barely interacts with her children or their father and often stays in the corner on the phone. Erin’s son “Joe” desperately needs a break and leaves Terry to entertain the kids with puzzles and cards.
At a recent event, Erin was furious that Terry spent all his time playing with the kids while the adults gathered in another room.
She felt abandoned because he wasn’t by her side. These children crave attention and Terry felt they needed supervision. I fear that Terry will open himself up to false accusations in the future due to Annie’s chaotic problems and his wealth. How can I help Terry learn to set boundaries and realize that, just like a school teacher, he must ensure that he can never be accused or misunderstood?
—Trying to avoid disaster
Dear Trying,
I’m not sure I understand why you’re worried. It seems Terry has a great relationship with his step-grandchildren and their father appreciates him providing care when he is around as he may need help. False accusations of child abuse are relatively rare, and you have not described any behavior that would make Terry particularly vulnerable. For example, you didn’t mention that he took the children out of sight of other adults or even that he was completely alone with them. Annie’s issues are certainly troubling, but I see no reason to assume that she would accuse Terry of anything inappropriate. Maybe Erin had a right to be disappointed that her husband chose to spend time with the kids instead of her at the recent reception, but that’s an issue between the two of them that doesn’t concern you. I can’t help but think you wouldn’t have the same concerns about a woman behaving the same way.
If there’s something I’m missing here and you’re convinced that Terry needs to be more careful around children, you may choose to talk to him to make sure there’s never any confusion about his behavior with them. Advise him to keep other adults by his side when he plays with them and explain to him why you think it is important that he does this. Assure him that you are sure of his intentions regarding his step-grandchildren, but let him know that other people may not be as supportive of his interest in them.
—Jamilah
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