I remember the day I graduated from college like it was yesterday. After five years of intense study, I was excited to be done with the university phase of my life.
The graduation party with all my college friends was truly memorable. We were all very excited about the end of the late night reading. The atmosphere was electric and everyone was having so much fun.
I was very excited about the prospect of independence. I was on the verge of being able to live my life on my own terms – and I was really optimistic about the future.
But a year has passed since I graduated and I am now unemployed, depressed and confused about my future.
Post-college life is nothing like I expected
I had always thought my best life would begin after college, and I had no idea how unprepared I was for the reality of life in today’s world.
I currently live at home with my mother; I had to go back because I couldn’t pay my bills because I was unemployed. Over the past year, I seem to have lost touch with most of my college friends, and the few I’ve stayed in touch with all seem to have well-ordered lives; they all seem to be starting new careers, traveling or getting married.
I feel like a cosmic force has left me behind.
I have never been known to be beaten down by life; I was a positive and optimistic friend who always encouraged others to have a positive attitude. So my new outlook on life was particularly surprising to my family and friends, but most of all it surprised me.
Most of the time I ask: what went wrong? What didn’t I do well? Is it possible that I missed a step, and maybe that’s why I ended up in the funk? But my questions are just that, and no one seems to have an answer.
Instead, I’m stuck going through the motions of life without really living. Since returning home, I haven’t missed a family gathering or stopped spending time with my childhood friends, and for most of them, I feel like I have it all Understood. I won’t bother to correct that impression, but appearances can be deceiving. I know I go through life numb, but I don’t know how to stop it.
My therapist gave me an interesting diagnosis
After discussing these issues with my therapist, she told me that I suffered from anxiety and depression after graduation. She told me she sees this problem in many of the college graduates she works with, especially recently.
My therapist insists that I find pleasure in doing the little things, but that’s easier said than done. One day I feel great and I start to think that maybe this depression is finally over, and the next day I’m right back where I started. My biggest fear has been: will this feeling ever really go away, or is this my new normal? I don’t want that to be the case.
But here’s an unexpected twist: Over the past year of staying home, I’ve learned a lot about myself in the midst of all my struggles. I was able to answer questions like who I am and what I really want when I remove the expectations of others. I’m gradually realizing that I’ve never had free time where I didn’t have any achievements to achieve.
For the first time, I’m really alive, which isn’t bad. Maybe my body didn’t live, but just reacted automatically, and maybe that’s why I’m releasing all the stored energy.
I may never truly know the answers to all these questions, but I know that I have decided to live my life without a pattern, taking it one day at a time and doing the best I can with what I am given. ‘gave.
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