When BBC presenter Anita Rani recently shared an article about eldest daughter syndrome earlier this month, it resonated strongly with many readers.
The Woman’s Hour presenter, 46, who split from husband Bhupi Rehal last year and spoke of an “awakening”, was sharing psychologist Dr Nicole LePera’s Instagram content.
The American doctor, also known as The Holistic Psychologist, who has 8.3 million followers, has regularly discussed the impact of being the eldest daughter in a family – and the repercussions that birth order could have on a woman later in life.
American psychologist Dr Nicole LePera recently posted a series of slides on her Instagram account about eldest daughter syndrome, including how older women often feel pressured to be “little adults”.
Dr. LePera describes how the eldest daughter often becomes the “protector of the family” and can grow up feeling like a “little adult.”
Years later, these feelings, she explains, can manifest themselves in being an adult who “thinks it’s your responsibility to fix everyone and everything around you.”
Although the term has been around for decades, eldest daughter syndrome seems to be becoming more recognized as people become more aware of their mental health.
Upon Rani’s repost, the term certainly struck a chord.
One woman wrote: “I felt every word of this. The heavy work done by the eldest daughter is unfair. Especially if your other siblings are brothers.
Another added: “I wish they taught this stuff in schools to break these cycles sooner! »
Anita Rani, presenter of BBC Radio 2’s Woman’s Hour, shared Dr LaPera’s messages, saying she knew it would “resonate with a lot of my brown team”.
Rani herself wrote: “I had to repost for my South Asian sisters (and of course everyone else), but I know this will resonate with many of my brown team members…especially the older girls.
The one who saw it agreed, saying: “So true. Only now, as an adult, am I learning to appreciate my life and myself. It’s hard to get out of this state of mind.
On TikTok, a series of memes, some dubbed “older daughter core”, also address the issue, with some older women saying they chose not to have children because they helped raise their siblings and that they “were done being parents.”
TikToker @Melissallgall shared a montage of the roles older daughters feel obligated to take on, including helping younger siblings with homework, being a nurse, housekeeper, waitress and disciplinarian.
TikTok user Melissa Gallagher posted a montage about what it means to be the eldest daughter in the family, saying the roles included “nurse, housekeeper, waiter, and homework help.”
Many older daughters reported not wanting children as adults because they spent time caring for their younger siblings.
This trend sparked thousands of comments about the impact of eldest daughter syndrome on people’s lives.
One person wrote: “First generation, eldest daughter, with a strict upbringing, about to turn 27 next week and I can’t even IMAGINE another human dependent on me.”
Another woman added: “Yes, my oldest daughter. I carried a lot of stuff as a kid and I just don’t have the energy to parent another human.
So, is anyone really at fault? In 2009, the Netmums Birth Order Report surveyed almost 10,000 mothers and found that they had much higher expectations of their oldest children for academic and career success, saying they had lower expectations with each new sibling.
Such high parental expectations made older children more susceptible to anxiety or depression later in life, the researchers said at the time.
FEMAIL asked chartered psychologist Dr Mark Rackley to explain further:
WHAT IS ELDER DAUGHTER SYNDROME?
Dr. Mark explains that although eldest daughter syndrome is not an officially recognized psychological diagnosis, it is “a term used to describe a set of behavioral and emotional patterns that are often attributed to the eldest daughter of the family. cousin of “middle child syndrome”.
He says: “It is used to describe the common experiences of the eldest daughters of the family. These shared experiences include an increased sense of responsibility, in some cases being a second mother to younger siblings. Excessive pressure to succeed, to bring positive attention to the family and to set a good example for younger siblings.
“It can be difficult to establish healthy boundaries with parents because the older daughter is raised differently than other siblings. Finally, it can create a lack of autonomy and independence, because the eldest daughter feels obligated to conform to her parents’ wishes, sacrificing her own.
WHY IS THERE NO ELDER SON SYNDROME?
For men, it appears that “sons fall into the more generic category of ‘eldest child syndrome,’ rather than being gender specific,” says Dr. Mark.
“In the case of eldest daughter syndrome, it is gender specific because of the cultural and gender expectations placed on girls, and then it plays out within the family and then how the girl is treated.
“In some cultures, having a boy is still considered preferable to having a girl, so the expectations placed on the girl may be higher to deal with the disappointment parents feel about having a girl and not a son.”
Dr. Mark Rackley
WHAT PROBLEMS CAN CAUSE ELDER DAUGHTER SYNDROME?
“This can create challenges for the older daughter. Sibling rivalry can arise when the older daughter feels a sense of unfairness regarding parental expectations of her, which is very different from other siblings,” says Dr. Mark.
“It can also lead to resentment towards parents, as the older daughter struggles under the weight of their expectations. This can cause tension, arguments and a toxic relationship between both parties. It can also lead to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression as the girl struggles to cope with an oppressive relationship.
CAN YOU OVERCOME EDS IF YOU FEEL YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS SHAPED BY IT?
Dr. Mark says that while it’s difficult to change the impact of your training years, it’s possible…
“When we are children, we have limited power and autonomy. We are largely at the mercy of the family and environment in which we grow up. When we become adults, we have independence, maturity, and the power of our own voice. We also have a choice in what we think, do and who we want to be.
“We are all shaped by our childhood, because we know scientifically that our environment and culture shape and influence our personality. However, just because we are shaped by it doesn’t mean we are stuck in it.
DR. MARK’S ADVICE TO NOT LET YOUR PAST DEFINE YOUR PRESENT
“If you feel like the demands, expectations, and challenges placed on you as an older daughter are making you sick or no longer serving any purpose in your life, it’s time to let go of them.
“It might mean giving up a role you didn’t choose and no longer want. Setting healthy boundaries around relationships tells others what they can and cannot expect from you. However, it is you who decides, not your parents.
“You may also need to undergo therapy to help you find your voice and take action on the positive changes you want to make, as obviously some parents will not want or respect new changes in the relationship. “
To learn more about the work of Dr. Mark Rackley, visit drmarkrackley.com
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