I’ll Never Be a Grandparent and It Fills Me With Grief

• Growing up, marriage was never a thing that felt like it was for me.
• I wanted kids, but worried about what people — and my parents — would think if I was a single mom.
• I’m now in my late 60s and my companion is my fluffy dog Poppy.

I’ve had a great life as a travel writer exploring the world. I’ve been to more places than most people have ever dreamed of visiting.

On my travels, I’d often look at children’s clothes and wish I had someone to buy them for. Sometimes I did, but it was always for a friend’s child, not mine.

Now in my late 60s, I have very few relatives but have never stopped wishing I could be surrounded by a loving caring family.

I never got married

Coming from a background where my parents argued, and with an older sister who got married to escape, I never saw marriage as the warm, loving environment that it can be. Besides, with no end of handsome boyfriends, each one providing stimulus of one kind or another, I never felt the need for a family or to get married.

When I did meet “the” person that I felt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the relationship sadly didn’t work out.

As I grew older and my biological clock began ticking, my wish to become a mom became even greater but I never had the courage to have a child without being in a permanent relationship. I also came from a Jewish background, with parents who wouldn’t have approved, and were unlikely to support me. I was also very conscious that I wasn’t in a sufficiently good financial position to support a child and give them a good education which I believed was essential.

As time went by, I hoped to meet and form a relationship with someone who had children and anticipated that I could become a part of their family. Sadly, it never happened.

I wish I had a family of my own

Over the years to fill in for my loss at not having my own, I’ve looked after friends’ children, babysitting and even temporarily moving into their homes so that the parents could go on a trip alone. However, when those children have gone on to have their own families, I was always their parents’ friend, rather than part of their family.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that having a warm loving family is a wonderful thing. My parents weren’t close to their siblings, and I was unused to large family get-togethers. I travelled a lot while my contemporaries got married and had children. Their families spent time together, and it was only natural for them to act as babysitters. As their children got older and married, their families expanded. On occasion, I’d be invited to a family get-together where there would be in-laws and children, but I’d always be the odd one out.

Now-a-days my friends are grandparents, and although they have passed their babysitting days, they are part of a family unit, spending time with their children and grandchildren.

I have cousins with families but as I am not part of the immediate family, I may be invited to a one-to-one meal but rarely a family get-together. When I go out with friends who have children and grandchildren, the conversation is often centered around their families, their children, and the latest achievements of their grandchildren. I can’t say I don’t have a tinge of envy.

My compensation lies elsewhere. While I don’t have grandchildren, I do have a white, fluffy dog. Poppy is a reliable friend, very sociable, accompanying me whenever and where-ever she can. And thank heavens for other single people like me. On important occasions I’ll celebrate with friends but as a singleton it’s unlikely to be with family, except for my companion, Poppy.