Dear Eric: My husband’s best friend is married to “Martha”, who is bipolar. It is self-managed with THC. I became uncomfortable to be with her.
My husband supports my feelings, up to a point. He doesn’t want to lose John’s friendship, which I totally understand.
Two weeks ago, Martha asked me to come. As soon as John was out, Martha told me that her son was coming and that it was not for John to know. Red flags! A few minutes later, here is his son, drunk, with a bag full of pot for Martha.
I was really uncomfortable because his drunk and stoned son scared me. I left my ex for this exact behavior.
Unfortunately for Martha, John returned early and saw Martha’s son leave.
Yesterday, when we had lunch with John and Martha, my husband was sure that something would be said to clean the air. Nothing has been said.
I can only began only so often of us that the four of us meet. Martha will tell John to ask my husband why I don’t answer the phone.
I don’t want to be with this woman. I really need words to tell my husband. Eighteen years are enough.
– Sigh
Dear heavy sigh: Unfortunately, what must happen is a breakdown of friends between couples.
Tell your husband that Martha’s behavior compromises your health, safety and comfort, and that you have finished. Above all, this does not require a break between John and your husband. But to sail in their responsibility, not yours.
Then talk to Martha – by phone or in person, depending on what you think is more safe. Tell her that you feel uncomfortable when she puts you in position as the most recent. Tell her that you are concerned about her and that you want to be able to support her if she wants to get help, but you cannot and will not continue friendship as without change.
It is important that you communicate this with Martha rather than getting it through your husband and John, so they are not wrapped in trying to apologize for Martha.
Sometimes we obscure the solution to our problems by being too polite. By being direct, you give Martha the opportunity to make amends and, hopefully, to work with a health professional to update his care plan.
You are probably not the only one to be made at ease by group outings. Someone has to say so that everything changes.
Dear Eric: I have been thinking about divorce for some time now, but I am terrified by what it could do to our children.
I have the impression that my wedding no longer works. My husband and I are no longer on the same wavelength with what we want. But whenever I think of taking the step to separate myself, I cannot shake the fear that the divorce process has a lasting negative effect on my children.
I do not stop asking myself the question: “How can I protect them from all the stress and the evil that divorces?” I also fear that children will feel torn between two sides, or worse, that they feel responsible in one way or another.
I have heard of other ways to divorce, such as mediation or collaborative divorce, but I don’t know how they work or if they are really better. I don’t want to make the wrong choice and make things more difficult in the long term to my children.
Do you have any advice on how to manage this?
– I want what is best
Best: Your concern is shared by so many parents who envisage or travel the divorce.
Although it is impossible to know what impact all parental action will have on a child, research and hand holding with knowledge and experience can set you up to make the most enlightened decision. To this end, you should speak to a lawyer with experience in collaborative divorce.
It is not a commitment; It is education. If you buy a house, you are talking to a real estate agent. This does not commit you to work with the real estate agent or to buy a house, but it teaches you what the process implies. Talking to a lawyer can also help you understand your rights and ways to protect yourself and your children.
In his book “Talking to Children of Divorce”, writes Jean McBride, “divorced parents must often be better to communicate with each other than when they were married”. This process can also start now. Even if you and your husband are not on the same wavelength on what you want, it is not too late – or too early – to talk about the ways you can both preserve a healthy environment for children.
McBride’s book is a wonderful resource to start and sail in these conversations.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @ouric and register for his weekly newsletter in Rercthomas.com.
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