I was in the way of sharing bad news with my children; I tested

Recently, I had to tell my children that their grandfather died after a long illness. Although they understood that he was sick, I ended up with the way of relaying the news to them.

I didn’t know what to say about death and how to talk about it. I was so anxious to try to protect them from something painful that I hid them that their grandfather was dead. Now looking back, I wonder if it was the right choice.

I was worried about sharing bad news

My average age son is a very sensitive and emotional child who feels deeply. He was close to his grandfather and I was particularly worried about the way he would react. Because I was afraid to bother him, I tried to find the time “correct” to tell him the bad news.

The day I should have told him that his grandfather died, he was studying for a big test. My husband and I agreed that we will tell him the next day. However, the next day after school, my son had practice and homework, and suddenly, he felt too late in the evening to sit down and share what had happened. Who wants to upset someone just before going to bed? So we waited for another day.

After a few days, it was no longer possible to continue to hide the news. But still, I couldn’t find the right time to talk to my son. He had an activity in the evening to attend, and after admitting that we just needed to remove the bandaid, so to speak, we told him that his grandfather died just before his departure. After all that I had done to find a good time, it turned out that there was none.

I also kept my 7 year old daughter’s truth. We didn’t tell him before we have to prepare to go to the funeral. While I thought she wouldn’t register much because of her age, she was immediately upset to have said nothing. She rightly asked: “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

I thought I could facilitate their task

I had made a lot of mental efforts to try to timed bad news in a way that would cause the least day upheavals of my children. In the end, I realized that it was more a reflection of my own anxiety than the way my children would really treat overwhelming information. As a parent, I don’t want anything more than protecting my children from feeling a kind of pain. But I was so worried about causing distress that I had not considered how children can be resilient.

It was nothing like what I had supposed to happen when my son treated the news. Although he was surprised and upset, he managed things better than I had planned. And although he did not question the moment when we told him, I realized that it would probably have made no difference in his reaction if we had told him from the start instead of hiding it from him. There was also nothing to do by keeping the news of my daughter. If I had told her earlier, she would not have felt angry that a secret was kept to her.

I had to put my fears to upset my children aside

The reality is that it is inevitable that sometimes in life, very sad things happen. I had put my fears to penetrate my children above what they could really manage, and in the meantime, things complicated for myself much more than I needed.

Losing a grandparent is a universal experience, and I now see that it is normal for children to explore feelings of loss and how to face it. In the future, I don’t want how I shared overwhelming news this time to prepare the field for future serious discussions. Yes, bad news can come at unexpected or annoying moments. And it’s ok for children to understand this.