Dear Harriette: I need advice on how to set limits with my neighbor.
She constantly asks me for favors, in particular by giving her rides, picking up things in the store, looking at her pets when she leaves the city and helping her with small races.
At first, that didn’t bother me because I think you have to be a good neighbor, but over time, I realized that it has become a unilateral relationship. She never offers to return the same or help me when I need something, and she doesn’t even seem to recognize how much she asks me.
The problem is that I don’t want to create clumsiness or bad blood. We live next to each other, and I know that I should always see it regularly.
I also fear that if I start to say no, she will act offended or will make me feel guilty.
She is an older woman, so I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t want to continue to set me up either for someone who clearly considers me as a practical help rather than an equal neighbor. How can I be politely – but firmly – set limits?
– Draw the line
Dear line drawing: If you can continue to help this woman, I say it. It’s an elder, and it’s the human thing to do.
That said, you can also say no when it doesn’t work for you.
Ask it precisely to do things for you that you think it can manage. If you work to make the relationship more equitable, it can improve.
Dear Harriette: I have been going to the same hairdresser for years, and even if she has always been kind and reliable, I started to have the impression that her work is no longer what I want.
Haircuts and color never prove to be quite right, and I find myself getting out of appointments by feeling more often disappointed.
I know I should probably move on and find someone new, but there is a big problem: it goes to my church.
It is not as if I could disappear and hope that she will not notice it. I see her almost every Sunday, and I know she will end up asking why I did not reserve an appointment.
I don’t want to lie, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings either or make things clumsy between us.
She is a really kind person and I respect her, but in the end, I pay for a service that I no longer feel good.
How can I “break” free of charge with my hairdresser without creating tension between us in what is supposed to be a place of worship?
– Clumsy
Dear clumsy: Your relationship with your hairdresser is often one of the most intimate you have. They get to know you and vice versa. You often share private details on your life and, after all, they touch your head.
When this link becomes sour, for any reason, it can be difficult to separate.
If you can bring together courage, tell him directly that you have not been satisfied with your hair for some time and that you will try another stylist. Make sure it’s not personal, but it’s your decision. Then, when you see her in church, greet her warmly.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of Dreamleapers, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to Askharriette@harriettecole.com or to the syndication Andrews McMeel, 1130, rue Walnut, Kansas City, MO 64106.
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