Dear Eric: My sister (85) and I (80) have been distant for about five years.
Just before these benefits, my niece invited us for the Thanksgiving dinner. She also invited parents of her fiancé who are active scientologists, a religion that has a well -documented disgust for homosexuals.
I am in a long -term homosexual marriage, and I expressed a little trouble my sister in being in this company. When she said to her daughter, the girl became a crying hysterical and uninpired us the day before the event, fearing that we put the group uncomfortable.
The narrowing always suggests writing a letter explaining all your feelings and do not send it. I wrote a long email to my sister, but I sent it anyway.
I expressed my conviction that my sister has always changed her daughter and should have collaborated because this fear was moved. I also thought that my sister had lied in this case, as well as other personal observations.
Without my permission, she shared it with my niece. All hell has detached.
It is one thing to have differences in opinion that can lead to distance, but how can you ever reconcile with someone who, in your opinion, cannot be trusted? I don’t see it as an isolated incident.
If one of us dies, it might be unfortunate that it is not resolved, but that’s where we are. I guess some things are simply not repaired. Maybe someone dies, sooner or later, is something important?
What do you think of all this?
– distant sister
Dear sister: The narrows are on something with the whole thing “to write the letter but not send it”.
When we are in conflict with other people, it is useful to do everything for ourselves. This shows us what is on our side of the street and what is happening on the other side.
Your email has become a benchmark for many different discharge problems you have with your sister. Her sharing violated your confidence, but considers that she probably felt that she and her daughter were slandered by you.
There is a lot of pain to do.
I feel that this relationship is important for you and if you want to save a game, a good first step is to make an inventory of what you could have done differently, having the things you have done that could have injured or offended it, and reach out – by phone, preferably – to start a modification.
See if you can keep the conversation centered on the means that you can reconnect and put part of this behind you, rather than release what has happened. This will not help you criticize your parenting, for example. But that will help say that you care about her, you want her in your life and you want to find a way to follow.
Dear Eric: The women of my brothers think I’m gay. I know full well that they spoke with my brothers about my sexual orientation.
Unfortunately, I have a really difficult past with people who make fun of me because I had a learning disorder. The whole community lowered me.
I have never tried to go out together in high school or after. I am sexually attracted to women and I would like to have a relationship with a woman. I was unlucky with online meetings.
I’m afraid that if I met a woman, my beautiful sisters made her uncomfortable with me or my family.
I spoke to my brothers about their behavior, and they do not seem to understand or not bypass it. I don’t know what to do or how to manage my problem.
– RUMoral Mill
Dear rumor mill: Try to talk directly to your sisters-in-law. But remember that everything they think or even say will not affect your truth.
It also extends to any woman you get out with. If the woman loves you and is comfortable in your relationship, the opinions of your sisters-in-law will not matter.
I understand the insecurity that it raises and its connection to your past intimidation. It is difficult to get the voice of others out of our heads. Try to remember that any woman you meet you meet today, in all your value, your complexity and your truth.
Sometimes he has the impression that others can see each person that we were in the past or each part of our past that we do not like, especially in a situation as vulnerable as dating. But this is not the case. They will see who you are today, so your relationship begins on a blank slate.
This means that you can choose when and how you talk about how you have been the victim of intimidation or the difficult relationship with your sisters-in-law.
It also means that you don’t have to present a girlfriend at your sisters-in-law until you felt ready. They do not decide who you get out or how; you make.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @ouric and register for his weekly newsletter in Rercthomas.com.
California Daily Newspapers
