I never imagined myself as a single mother. As a little girl, I knew that I wanted to be a mother more than anything, but I also knew that I never wanted to bring a child into a situation similar to mine. Coming from a single -parent cleaning and having had a traumatic childhood, it was more important to me than all that I give to my children a better start in life than mine.
So, I waited. I waited so long since I even started to reconcile with never becoming a mother. And when I had my daughter at 36, I had never been happier in my life. But despite my best efforts, I became a single mother after leaving my partner when she was only six months old. Our relationship was unhealthy and we did not co-make together.
I will be the first to admit that the circumstances were not easy. I had planned to stay at home and work as an independent writer to complete our income. It was no longer an option financially. I had a new trauma to treat and a relationship to cry, without the time to do it. Like many other single mothers, I did not have exactly an abundance of stopping time. And, like many parents in the United States these days, I had no village nearby to help. I looked at my worst fear: raising my daughter in a childhood that looked like mine.
But looking back almost a year after having become a single mother, I see him as the best thing that could have happened.
I can parent exactly as I want
I often hear other mothers to bond on how their partners approach certain parental situations completely differently from the way they would. Perhaps a parent is more leaning towards gentle parenthood while the other prefers another style. Perhaps they have different deadlines for weaning or different priorities.
As a single parent, I don’t have to worry about these conflicts. There are no unexpected fights because of the way I react at any time, nor how my coparetal is. I can simply respond to normal situations like anger attacks (which my toddler has just started to have this month) without the additional stress of also managing my partner’s emotions. At the end of the day, I can just do what I feel best for my child without the additional drama.
I don’t have to divide myself between my child and a partner
There were many nights when I placed on the sofa after lowering my toddler for the night, mentally and physically exhausted, with barely enough energy to wash my face, start the dishwasher and go to bed. A thought that always slips is: “How do I deviable can I manage the needs of a relationship in addition to all this?”
I have always loved love, relationships and everything that comes with these things. But even the best relationships require work. Although having a partner to help with tasks like putting my toddler in bed and loading the dishwasher would be good, I also like to be able to do things in my own way, and the energy that I spend by doing these things is no more than the energy it takes to maintain a healthy relationship. Right now, as a new parent, I just don’t think I have this energy.
Although I have always dreamed of a household in two relatives for my family, I also find gratitude in the fact that I did not have to divide myself between my child and my relationship – especially unhealthy. I did not have to fight to get together more to give because there is no competition: I can just give myself to my daughter.
I was able to soak up every moment of my daughter’s childhood
Despite a fairly difficult year, I live in immense gratitude. I spent almost every moment with my daughter. I don’t mean only physically either. I was able to be mentally and emotionally present for each moment, each milestone and each stage of development.
How lucky I have that I was able to soak up every moment in my child’s life so far? It was perhaps not the version of the maternity that I imagined, but it is the one for which I am extremely grateful.
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