DEAR MISS MANNERS: Another Mother’s Day and another birthday passed without any gifts from my husband.
What’s worse, to me, is that he did nothing to show our two little boys how to thank mom on a special occasion.
Many times over the years, I flat out told my husband that I didn’t care if he just took the boys to the drugstore to get me a tube of lip balm. I don’t care if they draw a picture, bring home a seashell, paint on a rock, or pick flowers. But in vain.
I am a strong, confident, educated and independent middle-aged woman, not a teenager looking for attention from a boyfriend. But I am not happy with the example he sets for them in this regard.
Of course, being completely insensitive, he finds me completely ridiculous and lashes out at the rare times I dare to share my feelings.
My heart is just sad. I don’t like feeling so insignificant in the eyes of the three most important people in my life. I don’t even know what to do at this point.
GENTLE READER: Luckily, Father’s Day is only a month away.
No, Miss Manners is not suggesting you find a way to get revenge. Instead, you should take the opportunity to encourage these boys to make a fuss about their father – not for his sake, but for theirs. Since your boys are little, tailor it to something they can handle themselves: perhaps a short prepared thank you speech and a homemade gift.
Your husband might not like it; there are people who find these holidays stupid and commercialized in bad taste. That’s fine, but it doesn’t excuse him from disregarding your feelings.
Next spring, you can remind your boys of the kind appreciation they showed their father and gently let them hear how happy you would be to feel it too.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I tip at a restaurant that charges a service fee? It feels like you’re paying twice for the same thing.
GENTLE READER: In fact, you never need to tip (which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t).
Theoretically, the system is voluntary. It depends on two common emotions: shame and empathy. Too bad, because tipping is expected and you don’t want to seem cheap. Empathy, because you feel for hard-working, underpaid people.
Furthermore, Miss Manners is offended by the argument some restaurateurs use to justify extra charges: if they were to factor the cost of labor into their prices, as other businesses do, customers would not would not accept the increase in the amount. Arithmetic has never been her strongest subject, but even she can understand that whether fees are baked into the price or added as a service charge – or factored into expected tips, which may be higher than fees, but can also be ignored entirely – the cost to the customer is the same.
You’re right: service charges, if not accompanied by a no-tipping policy, constitute double dipping. You won’t be ashamed if you don’t tip, but Miss Manners never wants to discourage empathy.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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