DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m looking forward to the visit of my favorite cousin, who will be staying with me for a week.
However, I’m a little worried because he recently went through a breakup with his boyfriend and tends to be quite dramatic.
Although I love him very much, I’m not the best at giving advice or handling emotional situations. I don’t know how to support him during this difficult time and I fear I won’t be able to give him the comfort and advice he needs.
— Favorite cousin
DEAR FAVORITE COUSIN: Be a good listener.
Don’t feel like you have to solve anything for them. You’re not a psychologist, so you’re not supposed to have any answers. You can have compassion and love for him, as well as a large dose of patience as he winds up a bit as he tells his story.
After he leaves, treat yourself to a moment of calm, you will probably need it!
DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel torn and guilty about something that happened recently.
My grandmother turned 80 and even though I knew it was a milestone, I didn’t call her to wish her happy birthday.
The truth is that my grandmother and I are not particularly close, and to complicate matters, she struggles with mental health issues that make it difficult to have a conversation with her.
Growing up, I never had a strong bond with my grandmother because she lives on the African continent. Our interactions have always been tense, and his mental health issues just add another layer of difficulty. Every time I try to talk to him it’s like walking on eggshells and I often don’t know what to say.
On his 80th birthday, I debated whether or not to call him. In the end, I chose not to, but now I can’t shake this feeling of guilt.
I know how much birthdays mean to people, especially since it’s a milestone birthday and she probably won’t be around much longer.
Is there a way to bridge the gap between us, or should I accept that our relationship may still be distant?
— Missed birthday
DEAR MISSED BIRTHDAY: I’m sorry that you refused to greet your grandmother on her birthday, but it’s not too late to make a gesture.
You can always call him and ask him how his big day went. With genuine joy in your voice, you can invite her to share everything she did on her birthday. She will probably appreciate this. If she asks why you don’t call her that same day, simply apologize and say you’re glad you contacted her now.
Beyond that, to ease feelings of guilt, you need to practice acceptance. Your grandmother is who she is, with all her frailties and challenges. You can’t change it, nor should you try. Instead, choose to honor her for the role she played in your life.
You maintain a distant relationship both in terms of proximity and intimacy. It’s OK. Accept this. Finally, be nicer to her. Send him cards. Use a toll-free calling service to connect with her periodically. Tell him about your life and who you are becoming.
She will appreciate your awareness and this can be a step towards getting to know each other better.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative aimed at helping people access and achieve their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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