How to do it is the column of Slate’s sexual advice. Do you have a question? Send it to Jessica and rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear how to do it,
I am a homosexual and I discovered a fleshlight in my husband’s underwear while I put some of her clothes a few days ago. When I confronted him on this subject, he said that one of his (female) friends had done him as a joke for April Fools, and he just wanted to “try it”. We have an active and fulfilling sex life (or at least I thought). Do I have reasons to worry not to be enough for him, or worse, that he can have needs that I cannot meet?
– Are we still playing in the same team?
Dear Team,
The implications of your question bother me. Do you think your husband is not entitled to self-means? Would you also be offended to learn that he uses his … hand masturbate? What control on your sexuality do you think you are entitled? You are gay, so you are surely aware of the generalized practice of open relations within your tribe, right? Many relationships not only survive their constitutive partners masturbating, but also partners with sex with other people, sometimes in large group. This is enough for Fleshlight seems to be threatening a relationship as a flashlight.
People are looking for pleasure in sources other than their main partner for a number of reasons. Yes, it may have something to do with dissatisfaction, but it may just as well do not do it. If you are indeed in a monogamous relationship and I suppose that if you reaction to your husband having sex with an inanimate object, perhaps everything he wants is a variety. People like novelty, and masturbate, even with a toy, is a way to feel it. You better go with your instinct and what your husband tells you. If you think your sex life is active and fulfilling, this is probably the case. Unless you are unconscious of signs, you will know if there was a problem. Your husband probably has a healthy libido and an adventurous spirit.
Even if he has needs that you do not meet, it’s always ok. You seem that you already satisfy a lot. No one can be everything. In the future, instead of confronting your husband on something that sexually intimidates you, you have to express their curiosity. What does he like in this object and why? Is there something he would like to try that you are not both doing? If you went so far as to ask him to incorporate the fleshlight into your sex life, you would show him the kind of acceptance that will probably make him comfortable on such things. This could withdraw the mystery of the situation and do it so that you don’t have to wonder if you have to worry or if you meet your needs.
Please keep short questions (
Dear how to do it,
My husband, “Mike”, spent years fantasizing on a trio with us and another woman. About six months ago, we met “Rachel” while we were in a nightclub, and we really struck with her. Once, when the three of us have a drink at a party, my husband confessed his fantasy. Rachel is the adventurous type and said to say the word if we always wanted to have the dream of Mike a reality.
Mike’s birthday was almost a month ago, and I decided that the trio would be the perfect surprise. The problem was that when the time comes, Mike couldn’t put it up, which is completely unusual for him. No matter what we tried, there was a soft noodle. Needless to say, everyone ended up being disappointed. But it’s not the worst. Since then, my husband has not been able to make an erection. I suggested going to see a urologist, but Mike is so embarrassed and depressed that he refuses. Now I’m afraid I never have sex again! Help!
—Mike lost his magic
Dear Mike lost his magic,
Maybe you start by letting Mike know that what he experienced is not uncommon at all. As far as he wanted the trio, and as much pleasure as it seemed to promise, years of fantasies led to this moment. This alone can make a pressure situation which promotes performance anxiety. Perhaps the situation worse, it is that you survived him on him. You and Rachel have had the best intentions to do so and reason to assume that it would go in a mutually satisfactory direction, but this is not the case. Anxiety, the period, is a huge boner killer, and you can get stuck in a cycle of worrying not to be hard, not to be hard, then to worry more about the way it came together. It can be difficult to break this cycle, whatever the heat of the situation or even the way in which the affirmation of its partners. This certainly helps when the partner (s) do not accept anxiety or pressure, but there is no guarantee that the shoulders will really help. The expressions of “painful” disappointment, however, almost certainly aggravates an already heavy situation.
Erectile dysfunction drugs, in addition to opening vessels and flowing blood, can work like anti-annual drugs. Knowing that you have a little additional facelift can reduce part of this nervousness and make it easier to perform. Your husband may not have much experience with PDE5 inhibitors because you point out that his file during your failed trio was “completely unusual for him”. (Awarded, he may have discreetly jumped a viagra or a cialis in the past that you were not aware.) If he has no experience with these drugs, he should obtain a prescription – they could change the situation, and they are quite easy to obtain online with minimal contact. I do not necessarily tolerate minimal contact with a supplier, but it is clear that many guys are embarrassed by this kind of thing, and I do not like to visit the doctor, whatever the problem, so television companies like Hims and RO come a large part of the discomfort of the process. Yes, going to an urologist could help Mike – what you describe sounds like a circumstantial problem that has psychological roots, but hearing a doctor that Mike is not broken and that this problem is repairable could make a big difference. However, if the guy will not go, you cannot do it. Maybe you wait a little more, that the problem remains persistent, and Mike can drop his resistance to the doctor. For a non-medical intervention in the meantime, he could try a cock ring. It is not infallible, but it can help.
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Dear how to do it,
My sister complained about her inability to find a decent guy and his lack of luck on the meeting stage. I work in an entertainment store for adults and I decided to use my discount for employees to get him a super realistic dildo for his birthday last week. Instead of being grateful, she got angry and accused me of thinking that she “couldn’t have a man”. Did I act incorrectly?
– Soresse in Erya
Dear sister perplexed,
Sometimes people just want to be listened to. Your sister did not necessarily ask for a solution to his problem, just for your ear and your compassion. It seems that it is more emotional, while you lean pragmatic. This has a certain type of meaning that you bought him a sex toy, given his problems, and I am sure you wanted to say. But you did this, on your own admission, because of its dating problems. She reacted emotionally, but a version of “You bought it for me because I couldn’t have a man”, that’s the truth. The gift can, in fact, reminded him of his frustrations of meetings mainly, so much so that he did not have any improvement in his sexes – if she even has them! She may have no problems finding sex, or she can already have sex toys that she uses and loves, making the potential utility of your gift.
If you do not have the kind of relationship where you talk about sex and / or masturbation in detail, and if you have never offered her a sex toy before, she probably found the dildo inappropriate. It is really never a safe bet to give someone a sex toy, unless you are intimately involved with them and you know that he loves them. Did you act incorrectly? Well, a little. I think your intentions were pure, but not necessarily well thought out, and when it comes to giving gifts, it is really the thought that counts.
-Rich
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I am 34 years old and I haven’t had sex since I became sober 10 years ago. I was also not at an appointment. My life has been roughly surrounded by doctors and hospitals while I learn to face chronic illness. But I am at a time when I would like to go out with and maybe I will come back to sex. But I don’t know where to start. I am subject, and it may seem weird, but the most important thing is that they have to feel “good”.
