dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for a long time. We have two adult children.
I always thought we were “meant to be”. We have a lot of mutual interests; we laugh, we talk when there is a problem and we don’t keep secrets.
A few days ago, I was coming back from an errand. I went to tell him I was home and found him watching porn on his computer.
I was shocked by what he was looking at and extremely hurt. It felt like he was being unfaithful – sexually and mentally.
I asked him why he was looking at it and he said he didn’t know.
I said I would talk to him when he knew the answer. He didn’t say anything for three days.
Finally, I spoke, I cried, and I told him how terribly hurt I was. He said he wouldn’t do it again. I asked him how long he had been doing this, and he said a few years.
I tried to forgive. I need help letting go of this, but I haven’t been able to.
How can I resolve this?
– Devastated
Dear Devastated: The reason your husband kept this a secret is because he knew how you would react and didn’t want to deal with your emotions and feelings of betrayal. I strongly suspect that he loves and appreciates you, and he doesn’t want to hurt you.
To make a rough generalization, I don’t think men see watching porn as a betrayal of their partner, because for them, it’s not necessarily personal – it’s sexual. Your husband chose to remain silent rather than describe his feelings and impulses.
I hope you can approach this without panicking so that you can give him space to talk about this aspect of his life.
Dear Amy: My partner and I are planning a very small wedding on a small budget.
We recently recruited my future mother-in-law to help us with the last minute planning (we did everything ourselves).
The caterer delivers the dinner on site in the form of buffet-style platters. My plan was for everyone to help themselves.
Our guest list is 25 people, half of which are our immediate family.
My fiancé’s mother, citing her concerns about COVID, believes we should have someone behind the food serving people.
In principle, I share his concerns, as well as that of distributing food equitably. The problem is that we cannot afford to hire staff.
A few relatives have volunteered to help us with whatever we need, but I don’t want to put anyone in charge of feeding everyone.
If I thought my future mother-in-law was wrong, I would just tell her. Instead, I see a good idea without a clear way to execute it.
What do you think we should do?
– Stressed by stupid little details
Dear Stressed: I agree with your future mother-in-law that it’s a good idea to have someone on the other side of the buffet line, to help serve and perhaps remove dishes from service and then take out the cake.
I’m not sure how much having help addresses COVID concerns, but overall, having even an extra pair of hands would be extremely helpful.
You could probably hire an assistant for two hours for $50. Your caterer might have recommendations, and if you get a reasonable quote, maybe your mother-in-law will help you pay for it.
It sounds like you have a helpful and active group of family and friends. You could also accept their help – perhaps in shifts. This is a community celebration meal, and for many people, helping to serve would be an honor.
My last suggestion may seem strange, but maybe you and your new spouse should serve your guests yourselves.
This could be a nice symbolic gesture, where the first “official” act of your life together as a married couple would be to serve those gathered to celebrate your marriage.
I hope you can relax, laugh, and feel truly joyful during your wedding and reception.
dear Amy: Count me in with all the people who don’t like your advice to allow single adults to sleep together when they visit.
Our values do not allow it and our children know it. They wouldn’t even insult us by asking.
– Old-fashioned
Dear old fashioned: The question you reference (“Pondering Papa in the Pacific Northwest”) reflected two parents who disagreed on this point.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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